06.19.2008 First sight.

Arlanda airport. It didn't feel real walking here - it was midnight, no one was around save for a few late night passengers and the door was open. It was wide open for me.

Everything was falling into place and it was happening so easily. I bought tickets to the second to the last trip of the Arlanda Express (20 minutes to the city!) which is perfect because Filip would be working at the Central Station and we could meet. I saw my first view of Sweden - a night sky, yellow street lamps, suburban buildings flashing by me. I am here, I AM HERE.

The whole time I was there, that thought really couldn't sink in but at the same time, I could feel everything and I could feel very much that I was there, walking the streets, buying things, talking to friends. I think it's like that - you can never be really aware of it because you are too busy being in the moment, BEING THERE.

STOCKHOLM C. I looked for the Pizza Hut where Filip said he would meet me. There were orange booths in the middle of the station and I sat on one of the tables. There were drunks talking on the phone, teenagers talking furiously with one another, and a janitor cleaning up, ready to call it a night. And suddenly, "Surprise!" and Filip was standing behind me with his arms open. We hugged and I told him that I couldn't believe I was here. "Do you want something to eat?" "Yes. Where?" "The only thing I know open is 7-Eleven."

We went to the 7-Eleven, he bought hotdogs and a Coke. I finally saw all the Yalla Yougarts, Wasa sandwiches and Bramhults juices that I've been hearing so much of and it made me so happy!

Vasagatan. Filip only had a thirty minute break but he still walked with me towards my hostel, as far as his break could take him. I took a taxi the rest of the way because I wasn't entirely sure where I was going. Upplandsgatan, the hostel, reception, a door code, a dark room with six people already sleeping, a girl who arrived the same time as me, toothbrush, pajamas, top bunk, sleeping and not sleeping. Good night, Sweden.

EXCERPT: June 19th. KLM 804.

This is it. I'm on my way. Who would've thought? Right now, I don't know what I'm feeling... maybe scared, anxious, blank, excited, thinking about money and immigration and taxis but I know I really shouldn't worry about such things, right? This is my dream. This is a gift and I should just take it. Take it!!!

I have no plans. I don't know if it's a good thing or not but I feel like I'm free-falling. What will happen, will happen. I made it this far haven't I? I can do this!

Sweden... will you love me the way I loved you these past few years? Will you be the way I saw you in my mind? Will you be my dream, but in real life?

Be happy, be strong, be in the moment. THIS IS THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE. Take it!

Jon said "You are going to have an amazing time! Don't give up on your dreams, take ever chance, and say yes to everything!" Kitsie wrote on our wall "Sverige + Hanjo = DREAMS!"

Sweden, why do I love you? I want to remember all the reasons why, before I finally go there. First and foremost, you became a dream to me. You fueled my hopes and longings and filled me with such light. Where do dreams come from? Specific dreams for specific persons... and specific ways of going after them. And I did go for you, I chased you for such a long time and I never gave up. In that time, I learned a lot - about myself, about the nature of distance, about my home, about love... I don't want to believe that the chase is all there is. The destination, I want to believe, has light in itself too.

I remember my Sweden Love birthday party and how happy I felt by sharing my dreams and hopes with the people I am closest to. In dreaming of you, it seemed like that the dreams and hopes of my friends and family have awakened too. That night, we were playing The Radio Dept., Acid House Kings, The Legends, etc., drinking Absolut, looking at the cartoon map of Sweden tacked on the wall, laughing, dancing, cheering to life. That night, all of us were in Sweden.

I can give a list of all the reasons why I love Sweden but I don't think it's important (the welfare state, gender equality, the creative culture, design, Swedish indie pop, the usual monologue I give to people who are curious). I just realized now, what's important is what the dream gave to me. What kind of person I became because of it, how I changed because of my pursuit of it.

And of course, WHO I loved in the chase of it. While running towards Sweden, I ran into him and it was the best thing that happened to me. November, December. J.M. How many words have I written about my love for this boy. Unread letters, unopened packages, two phone calls, the dream hotel, the fox hotel, the bus to Slussen, best Christmas ever, meatballs, bodycakes, sneakers, insecurities, candy bags, letters lost in the mail, disappearing, appearing, distance, always the distance. But the distance never mattered to me! Look where I am now. On a plane, crossing oceans to where you are. I can keep on saying that I am not going there for you (it's true), but all of us know, that deep inside, YOU ARE ALSO A PART OF MY DREAMS. You became a part of it already. Sweden, J.M. J.M, Sweden.

A love that will cross oceans.

So, be strong, be true. You have made it this far. You can do this. Go and be happy. Live the life you've always dreamed of.

EXCERPT: A postcard.

Now, I'm on a train from Gothenburg back to Stockholm, there is everlasting blue skies everywhere, summer. The time of grey skies is over. LET YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE.