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i just began to grasp how everything is much bigger than we think it is. in every sense: a person's infinite being, your "perfect" musical taste, wonders (and wondering about wonders), and parallel events happening at the same time.

this boy, i can't put my finger on him. that's why i think he is always in the landscape of my mind. stunningly handsome, neurotic, nervous hands, suspicious eyes. a long, bellowing black coat paired with a baseball cap and a red rucksack. we are both the stars of any given show, shameless and apologetic, the social butterflies. from the beginning, i could not put him in any category in my head and it disoriented me. he was there, he was not there, he was this person oh but wait, he is not that person. like jay gatsby, but younger. like macaulay culkin, but older. like a character from a 90's sitcom. charming, cool as a cat, sly as a fox. serious, sarcastic, feather-light, joyful. i feel like there is a wall surrounding him that i just can't break through. is he for real? what does he like? what does he want? what is he made of? and every time i try with my relentless questions he would always answer with an idiom or a figure of speech. "let's go, i have ants in my pants!"

and suddenly, there. i found him. the idioms became real sentences: "you are not sad, i was here with you through it all, you are not sad!" "sometimes being busy is good because it keeps your mind off things." "huhuhu! you can't just sit beside the window and look outside and cry! huhuhu!" "i can't go running around worrying about true love."

"but, what do you want?" i asked him. "what do you really, really want?" i waited.

"i don't know," he finally answered, looking off into space.

suddenly, he is as solid as one can be, no longer flitting off and flying hands, sputtering proverbs and figures of speech to avoid a real connection. suddenly, this feeling of sudden intimacy. in more ways than one.

and then suddenly, he is gone again. hidden behind proverbs, nervous hands and his boyness. "i am an asshole," he said looking at me sideways with his pseudo-suspicious eyes.

and maybe he is, but he is also a friend.