/// paella

I saw that the wine was from Portugal, the Sprite-like sparkling wine with the Marie-Antoinette blue bottle. I remembered E and Norway and that summer house and the elvish fjords. Later on, we watched Heima and I remembered how I dreamt of Iceland with such feverish passion and how I thought it would be so close to Sweden. I remembered Jamie Oliver and London. And all throughout the night, talks of South America. For a split second, that longing to go away to Bilbao or Barcelona or London or Porto or Oslo, far away from incestuous gangs, instability and broken hearts.

It's so easy and so hard at the same time. I am incredibly happy here but I don't know how long that will last. I believe in You, and it brought me tears that moment at Cafe Nero when I couldn't explain it to other people. C.S. Lewis was an apologetic, and that means defending something that you believe in from the side of the one being persecuted or judged. And that means work. If only they can see how you move hearts and how beautiful it is, and that maybe everything now brings us to Narnia in the end, and maybe true love really exists. How can I make you see, how can I move past watchful dragons?

They are so empty inside, how can they love me? How can you not love me?
Feeling this fullness and you, total emptiness, how can it ever be?

V and I read "Är din mamma nobelpristagare?" together, with Clark Gable playing in the background. We bought Coke for you! LCD Soundsystem's "I Can Change" and salad and wine and two kinds of paella. Bullfights and designer bags and Cameron Diaz's Evian facial wash and Sex and the City, Colombia and cosmic Swedish friends of friends getting shot on the face in Brasil and the promise of Iceland. Personummer parties and sambo questions. And extremity and tradition and politeness.

You always have nice shoes. Gentle rain at 1 a.m. and bicycles in the night.