/// e

i saw eirik again today. the last time i saw him was winter, when i saw him off that cold march day at sodermalm, with his car and all his things and me and andy standing by the sidewalk. i gave him a snickers bar and bursted into tears. i remember what he said: he's leaving not because of me, but because of him.

and now he's here and he's back and he's pulling me off my feet. when i saw him through the glass window of the library, i felt tears running down my face. he had longer hair now, lighter because of the summer. he bought me lebanese lunch and we sat there, thinking of what i should do. we went to kaffe bar in mariatorget and i felt like i was in europe, mainland europe, like amsterdam or berlin or vienna. he gave me danger mouse and sparkle horse. he said the most important thing is to look after myself. everything else is secondary. i have to think of what's best for me. it's critical, everyone is selfish. i can't afford to be not selfish right now. and that there is always a place for me. there is a place for me here, but we don't know where it is, but THERE IS.

it's only the end of the beginning, we counted it back in cafe string. and it's true, it wasn't the end. i saw him again, and again. and now we are still here.

and he promised me, this feeling, it won't be like this for long. it will go away.
but i have to do something.