/// gold in the air of summer

i forgot to give you a little present i saw while unpacking some of my things today. i still have the kinder chocolate egg you gave me: still wrapped, unopened. a surprise, waiting. my clothes are still in my suitcase, my polaroids tucked in between notebooks. i'm still wearing my red plaid dress, the one that matches your vil-lage vil-lage shirt, the one you were wearing too.

i can't believe it was just yesterday. for me now, time does not exist and i am floating in and out between two worlds. and from now on, wherever i may be, there will always be you. 

amsterdam. where do i even start? the lijnbaansgracht, and walking there the first morning and smiling to myself and thinking: it's amazing how people can open up new worlds for us just like that. just like that. looking around me and knowing at that moment that this could be home: bicycles quietly gliding, wide open windows, nee ja stickers, people calmly going about their day. houses where you could see through inside.

waking up, really happy knowing that you're coming soon. the anticipation of waiting. the calm of the city. 

standing in the middle of anne frank's room almost in tears. she said, "i long to ride a bike, dance, whistle and look at the world, feel young and know that i am free." standing there in her cold, yellow room filled with magazine cut outs,  i felt incredibly happy to be alive, and to know that i will be seeing you again in  two hours. something moved inside me. to know that i could pretty much do anything, love freely and be happy. 

seeing you crossing the street from frederiksplein, my orange luggage in hand. room 008, british sea power and lazy afternoons. the cafe de jare and being aragorn predicting the weather, and me always talking about feelings. the rain falling on the amstel, our free drinks and our salads that made us so full we cannot eat the main dish anymore.

making a list of the perfect day. the albert hein under museumplein, the empty vendo machine, craving for chocolate milk, bread and cheese and stroopwafels and strawberry and orange juice.  the rijksmuseum and the skaters on the ice. sitting in front of the nightwatch looking at mystery faces. riding bicycles! the jordaan and dutch pancakes. the vondelpark and the path to a quiet bench and the most beautiful lake. gold in the air of summer.

magritte skies. the victory of finding the pharmacy. skipping the opera for funner things. choosing in between three different places for dinner. chicken satay and hamburgers with fries.  you gave me a pink candy heart with "liebe" written on it. public display of aggression. walking like a monkey, slapstick laughter. sigur ros. the hobbit and the postcard that melted my heart. and everything.

to see the world with new eyes, to know that one can be happy anywhere. it's amazing how people can open up new worlds for us, show us new doors. everything has changed now, and as you said, it can only get better. before it was about living in fear and believing in only one place and one happiness. now. now, i couldn't even grasp where it begins. how do you do it? 

open the door, we have to see what it's for. we're almost there.

how lucky i am. this is more than i have ever imagined, more than i have wished for. a gift.

don't be sad. remember the sheraton. remember "make it happen". think of the future and all the good things that are ahead. believe. as long as you love, nothing can go wrong!

love, so vast! love, the sky cannot contain! love, in stroopwafel tin cans, metro train tickets and mix cds. love, in teary airport goodbyes, in walking after you's and quiet seventeen hour flights. to just reach out and hold you... that is the beauty of life. to be able to feel these things and to know that you understand as well. 

a big emptiness and fullness. an ocean-full of love. here's to you and me! here's to our magritte skies, here's to our amsterdam, here's to the future that awaits us.