/// honey

Greencoats - Honey from Tobias Martinsson on Vimeo

ramo's hot!

/// strange things

Today was a pretty day
No disappointments
No expectations on his whereabouts
And oh, did you let him go?
Did it finally show that strange things will happen if you let
them?

Today I didn't even try to hide
You'll stay there and never push things to the side
He can't reach you cause you're way beyond him today

Today was a pretty day
Autumn comes with
These slight surprises where your life might twist and turn
Hope to unlearn
Strange things will happen
If you let them come around and stick around

Today you didn't even try to hide
You'll stay there and never push things to the side
Today you didn't even look to find
Something to put you in that peace of mind
He can't touch you cause I'm way beyond you today

I woke up to Bryan singing to me. It feels different when a song is really sung to YOU and the meaning is really what is happening to your life. And I did it, I stayed here and didn't push things to the side, I didn't flee elsewhere. I woke up, I got up, went outside and bought some antiseptic for my bleeding knee, ate at my favorite restaurant Nudelhaus, bought Christmas presents (for me haha), listened to Shout Out Louds, discovering new truths again hidden in between the lines of Tonight I Have To Leave It, met Christine, cooked pumpkin soup, painted pictures while listening to Belle and Sebastian. We toasted to heartless (and egotistical) swines. When I was leaving, Christine gave me an adventskalender! <3 I was so touched.

Something is changing in me, and I don't know what it is. But it feels good, I feel different, a bit lighter I suppose, than all those months of guessing and waiting and chasing and hoping and dragging myself. Heartless swine.

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER: ANGRY TED

You picked the wrong guy. You made a really, really, really bad choice. What were you thinking? That guy!! Are you kidding me? Have you learned nothing in the last 8 years??? You're just going to regret this. You know that right? YOU ARE GOING TO REGRET THIS. AND NOW THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT BECAUSE IT IS TOO LATE. All you can do now is go up there and start your CRAPPY DISAPPOINTING LIFE THAT WILL NEVER BE NEARLY AS HAPPY AS THE ONE YOU COULD HAVE HAD WITH ME.

/// sweden is at your side

as long as you love nothing can go wrong.

when the class started, my seatmates mika, simone and carina started chanting angel, angel, angel! and it felt good. carina said, JUST DO IT! GO THERE AND DO IT! and i stood up and said to arwed, i'll go first. and it all just went out of me. sweden sweden sweden and all these things about public diplomacy and nation branding that i didn't even know a few days before and here i am, doing something for the place i love the most and scared out of my wits but standing there, and just... doing it. in the end, only one other classmate asked a question and i answered confidently and arwed only said a few things but no one really criticised me. and at the christmas market, claudia said it was a really good presentation. how i turned something that i really loved into something fitting into an academic paper etc etc and how i know what i wanted and how it was clear. hello si claudia yun e, super perfectionist-critical german!!! haha wow i really needed that encouragement because everything i have been doing here is really unsure and i am unsure of myself and my capabilities and i am just doing task after task after task without really thinking what it is for, what i learn from it, it was going from fear to fear, trying to cross things off but then jumping into another nauseating, horrifying thing to do. not knowing until when i can keep on doing this. waking up to worries.

but there are breaks such as THIS and i want to remember it forever. it was the moment going home alone tonight from the first night of the christmas market at the town square. they had gluwine, i had heise schokolade of course. roasted sugar almonds, leberkase. christmas lights, warm mugs, people huddled in groups. i was screaming AHHH MALIGAYANG PASKO!!! it felt good to be over that IP presentation and to know that i did well. i was biking, standing up, alone on humboltallee, listening to the fleet foxes' tiger mountain peasant song. the moment in the chorus... i just wanted to close my eyes and stay there and be happy. thank you god for this two minutes of peace.

anyway nakarma yung amerikano hahaha tang ina tinanong siya ng mga... 7 tao yata. ang gulo kasi ng presentation niya. and maybe they wanted to get back at her for all her mindless power tripping criticism. HAHA ANO KA NGAYON. ang defensive niya o, tapos bad trip siya pagkatapos. hahaha what goes around comes around, whitey.

tonight's winner: the filipina.

/// tagalog

gusto ko magalit! magalit nalang kaysa yung ganitong laging natatakot, nalulungkot, gigising tapos matatakot. gra-VE! 

kahapon nagskype kami ni ruthie tapos sumigaw nalang ako bigla FUCK YOU SEMINAR!!!!!!!! and it felt so good! haha fuck you talaga, sino bang nagimbento sayo? ano ba value ng pagsasalita sa unahan, ng pagshare ng mga iniisip mo, eh pano kung may mga taong hindi lang talaga ganun, edi kakabahan lang sila tapos hindi na sila matututo kasi kakabahan nalang sila e. itong mga aleman na to, bakit ba gigil na gigil kayo sa pagiging critical sa lahat ng tao bagay ideas. wala ba kayong ibang kailangang gawin? bakit ba ang seryoso niyong lahat?

sa ngayon sa ngayon hindi ko alam kung pano magdedeal sa mga nangyayari sakin ang naisip ko nalang: ONE DAY AT A TIME. ONE TASK AT A TIME. UNTIL I REACH YOU S-V-E-R-I-G-E. ngayon, ngayon, gagawin ko yung IP presentation ko para bukas. sigurado magtatanong na naman yung mga leche kong mga kaklase, para may participation sila, lalo na yung isang amerikana na sobrang negative vibes. sabi ko "o wag kayo magtatanong a". sabi niya smugly "ohhh we'll see about that." hahaha FUCK YOU.

grabe mahal na mahal na mahal ko sweden. grabe mahal na mahal na mahal kita. kinwento na kita sa nanay ko, tapos lagi ka niyang tinatanong sakin, kung sumulat ka na ba o nakarinig na ba ko ng balita sayo. tapos sabi niya, sosorpresahin ka nalang nun! nanay ko yun a! pati mga kaibigan ko, they are all rooting for you. because they love me and they want me to be happy, so kahit gago ka, kahit hindi ka namin maintindihan, umaasa parin kaming lahat sayo.

naisip ko kagabi, hindi ko talaga maintindihan. HINDI KO TALAGA MAINTINDIHAN. ANO BANG TINATAGO MO SAKIN? BAKIT BA ANG HIRAP MONG PANGHAWAKAN? ISANG TAON NA KITANG HINIHINTAY HINAHABOL PINAGBIBIGYAN. MAHAL NA MAHAL KITA. HINDI KO MAINTINDIHAN!!!

sana dumating ka. sana dumating ka. sana dumating ka.

/// second snow hahaha

/// I was following the pack 

all swallowed in their coats 

with scarves of red tied around their throats 

to keep their little heads 

from falling in the snow 

And I turned around and there you go

Fleet Foxes - White Winter Hymnal///

/// first snow videow

/// when i saw the first few flakes outside the window,  i jumped off my seat and ran out the wiso library with mikael. first snow! of my life! ///

/// thousands of sparkling stars and galaxies

/// first snow of my life, friday, november 21st. ///

/// first snow

it's snowing.
first snow of my life.
there is hope.

i was at the wiso library with claudia, doing a group paper, when i saw it. i ran outside with mikael.

now i'm in my room, looking out the window. you can see it falling through light of the lamp post, it barely covers the ground with white flakes, but still, it is snow.

tonight, kotbullar and a movie at claudia's place. tomorrow, hopefully more snow. next week, hopefully you. please don't break my heart.

/// DO NOT BE AFRAID.

"For I know the plans I have for you,"declares the Lord,
"plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you hope and a future..."