///memory capsule: australia

31.12

i was listening to australia by the shins on the tunnelbana, on my way to meet L. i'm happy and this song is just perfect for everything that is happening. the metro voiceover says, "nasta slussen" and i smile. :) and then just before R and I got down at medborgarplatsen, i saw these huge posters of the movie AUSTRALIA pass by the train windows. it was pure magic.

///22.12 like dylan in the movies

the train from blackeberg to hötorget, the promise of good things to come. listening to belle and sebastian's like dylan in the movies and the model. 

L and I went to the movies and saw låt den rätte komma in in the big screen! i was so excited to see my favorite movie, in stockholm, just when i got back from blackeberg, and with him! :)

laughing at oskar's swimming face, walking out to silver christmas lights above us and empty pedestrian streets, the subway to tekniska. knocking morse code on the door, snabb makaroner, a tub of SIA vanilla ice cream, sad day for puppets and the radio dept., telling him about germany, showing my old sweden notebook, dream-like mornings, rushing to the bus station, breakfast at an internet cafe, "this is so travelly!", the moon still outside, tarot cards, inner strength, everyone wants to take you in. 

///22.12 punching down two guys

22.12

i met martin again! it was so good to see his shaggy owen wilson self again, snubbing people giving out ads in central saying "we're not from here, sorry!" haha. we looked for veggie burgers at max but ended up at the "evil empire" of mc donalds because they have mc bean there (i told you so, L! :). we walked until stureplan to have fika at cafe saturnus. pictures of people through buses and train windows. he told me how he once took a picture of himself crying. he said, why do we always take pictures of ourselves smiling? he told me about the girl he fell in love with, a short and bittersweet three weeks, and how he was sad when she left.

why do people need to be apart?

he made me promise to whistle belle and sebastian's dylan in the movies for him when i get to blackeburg station. the walls there are perfect for whistling, he said.

i walked fast in stureplan, excited and tired and felt the promise the night holds me. and of love, the kind we're dreaming of. walking down rain-drenched sidewalks, yellow and white night lights, fancy shops, the cold air. i felt the promise of good things to come. 

i rode the train to blackeberg to meet musse. it was so good to see him again. old friend. he was wearing a big funny blue coat because he didn't want to catch a cold before christmas. i missed his quick anxious movements, his big blue eyes, his snappy one-liners and his old fancy way of speaking and hand guestures. he showed me his flat: it was so him! cosy, 50's style all IKEA, decorated to the core in christmas things, pinks, purples, blues, reds, candies, chocolates, JULMUST!!!

he asked me about germany. i told him about how i wondered if my love for Sweden will change and if i will hate it someday. he said no. he thinks that only happens to the kind of people who get tired of their girlfriends or boyfriends. it will change, but in a good way. like what christine said, my love for it is so great, it wouldn't disappear but only change. which musse said is good, because it would be really strange if it didn't.

right now i can feel it changing. it's so strange whenever people ask me seriously: when are you moving here? i have never, ever thought of it that way. that it can be REAL, something that could actually happen. before, the goal was only to get here. but now, there are talks of rents, apartments, dates, months, specific jobs. and people actually believe that i can do it. and they WANT to help me.

like L said, everyone wants to take you in. i really loved how he said that, and how it makes sense. everyone wants to take you in, Sweden wants you here. how even new people that I meet can feel how much i love this place and wants me to make it. helping me find internships and saying: it's no problem. i'm sure it will be easy. it WILL be easy. not even: you can do it. but: you WILL do it.

and how musse explained to me how it really is easier. how hard can it be? looking at my track record: going to Sweden for the first time on my own, getting the scholarship, going to Germany, surviving Germany, finishing (Ich will!) the first semester. it's like asking me to beat down this one guy when i have already beaten down two guys. so how hard can it be?

perceived and real. it's always other people who can see what you are capable of doing, what you really are. they believe that i can really do it, that it will happen soon. petter asked me if i'm ready to move by next month, and i was shocked by how real and how soon and how concrete that question was. can you move in by january? my friend has an empty apartment in stockholm. angel, can you move in soon? and it's always ourselves who are our own worst critic. but now, here they all are, taking me in. 

answer it: when can you move in?

///21.12 vanadislunden

21.12

i went to the park near where i live and thought: this was just like last summer. the sun, the sky. how could one place be so beautiful? i saw a man standing by a lamp post, just standing there for a long time, looking at the city, looking at the sun. this is the place, there is no doubt about it.

at NK's top floor, a jazz band was playing. for a split second i felt the christmas in the ending notes of a trumpet solo. 

at wayne's in götgatan, i had some varm choklad with marshmallows while "reading" dagens nyheter. for dinner, it was the usual: snabb makaroner with felix ketchup and köttbullar. YUM!

///20.12 soul!

20.12

i went shopping. the end.

no hahaha! after shopping, i met L at s:t eriksplan and softa'd (SOFTA! CHILLA!) at E's friend's place. drunken talk about riding horses in chile, vodka cocktails, watching their gymnasium videos on a big screen and listening to Y2k songs on youtube. waiting for tonight, kylie minogue, beautiful stranger and swedish hiphop. yes!

going to soul at fasching. walking to central, crossing the square outside the clarion sign, lining up, F meeting us there. the music was amazing, and the dancing even better! walking up the escalators in central because someone pushed the emergency button. seeing my favorite tunnelbana artwork again since summer: the blue vines crisscrossing the walls. good times!  

///19.12 short but sweet

19.12.2008

i got up to a beautiful, grey morning with amiina playing in the background. it was perfect. i was looking at the window and i felt that something was about to happen. L made me some tea. he had to run to finish his essay. i remember his red scarf. F fixed some breakfast: christmas porridge with cinnamon, christmas bread, ham, cheese, jam.

i moved into C's cribz at tekniska högskolan that afternoon. swedish tv, feeling right at home, groceries at ICA roslagstull, and the pizza place across it! i had hawaiian pizza. on the table beside me, a boy was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. he was looking out the window, crying. he was 13, maybe 14. his friend gave him some coke, but he wouldnt touch it. the pizza came but he was just sitting there, head buried in his arms, crying.

i met L and his friend AJustice at medborgarplatsen, we walked along hornsgatan, not really knowing where to go or what to do. we ended up taking the tunnelbana to hötorget, had turkish burgers and falafels at hötorsalen. language geekiness and religion. then we had coffee at s:t eriksplan at ritorno. red walls, mirrors, chandeliers, coffee cups, a dala horse gingerbread cookie. i think it's my favorite place in the world now.

/// BEGIN.

18.12.2008

i looked out the airplane window and saw a sign from a financial group advertisement: MAKE IT HAPPEN. it feels good to be back, home. i bought a 25-, coca cola and took the flygbussarna from arlanda to the city. i was listening to jose gonzalez's heartbeats on repeat and my eyes were misting over from all i am seeing and feeling. electric lines, the winter sun slipping between pine trees and fields and low rooftops. it is always a mystery for me, how just one place could make me feel these things. i will love this place forever, i know it.

i met C at coffeecup for the keys. the tree in the middle of centralen was tinkling like a music box. christmas. it was so good to see C again. we had coffee and varm choklad at wayne's, he drew some stuff on my notebook again (as always!), maps and blueprints to roslagsbacken, talked about love and being taken for granted. i thought about how swedes don't really talk about their feelings and if you find yourself becoming a swede's friend, you will be his/her friend for life.

i met F at NK's bookstore where he works. he hasn't changed a bit! he's still lovely, happy old F with his loud, booming voice, pretty hair and bossy demeanor. hahaha :-) i was going to surf his and L's place at skanstull. he made snabb makaroner with ketchup, meatballs and peas. we talked about australia and leaving people and it made me wonder about the love of our lives and why we love them.

then i met L. i opened the door to his own apartment for him. i have long decided that i will be his friend just because he listens to the radio dept. when F told me about him. but i never thought that i will like him this much the moment i met him. i guess there are just people who goes straight to your heart automatically.  we encircled SOFO on my map, talked about postpost. 

that night, i couldn't sleep one bit (well, a few minutes but i dreamt of zombies). i think i know the reason why.

/// winter lighthouse memories

what we have are memories. and the promise of new beginnings. we are in between days, and until then i have these to hold on to. nothing can take these away from me, not fears, not uncertainty, not death, nothing. these memories of winter in stockholm will be mine, in my heart forever and it will be my lighthouse.

by the way, i just found out that classes doesn't start until wednesday. HAHA mr. stein said, are you looking forward to end the semester with a BANG! i'll do it. so i arrived a couple of days early. but it's okay, i have time to adjust from dreamland to deutschland and to write down everything that has happened. i don't want to forget anything. so i'm giving myself these couple of days to never betray the way it's been. :-) and will always be!

///

BEGIN.

/// sweden's biggest fire and sweden's biggest noise

i just got back last night. everything still feels like a dream and the jesus and mary chain's just like honey is playing over and over in my head. 

right now i am surrounded by the things of the past two weeks. my passport on the floor. L's comic books and shirt beside the bed. a half-eaten marabou chocolate bar on the desk. talking heads, electric god and tsp cds beside the laptop. my unpacked suitcase with my dirty clothes. cheap monday jeans, monki sweaters. 5 kronor coins, receipts from ICA roslagstull and viking bar. the postcard that i sent to myself last week, a time capsule of new beginnings. amiina, talking heads, the shins and detektivbyrån playing on the background.

there is snow outside and since i've arrived four strangers have smiled at me. i don't feel threatened here anymore. suddenly: things, people, the language doesn't cut as much as before. it seemed like everything has softer edges now. look at what you've done. :) and it's only been a day. 

i miss you. i promised not to think of you too much, and i will try. the days will make it better, i guess. years are short but the days are long.

you said i have great things inside of me. now is the time to find out. now is the time to be brave(r). 

/// this must be the place

Home is where I want to be
Pick me up and turn me round
I feel numb - born with a weak heart
I guess I must be having fun
The less we say about it the better
Make it up as we go along
Feet on the ground
Head in the sky
It's ok I know nothing's wrong... nothing.

Hi yo I got plenty of time
Hi yo you got light in your eyes
And you're standing here beside me
I love the passing of time
Never for money
Always for love
Cover up and say goodnight... say goodnight.

Home - is where I want to be
But I guess I'm already there
I come home - she lifted up her wings
Guess that this must be the place
I can't tell one from another
Did I find you, or you find me?
There was a time before we were born
If someone asks, this is where I'll be... where I'll be.