/// impossible, it's possible

The rush. Pop music needs that rush. Along with youth, infectious melodies and good hair you could say it's the very foundation that pop music rests upon. Well, that and love of course. Lost love. Impossible love. Temporary love. Lack of love. And of course utlimately the need of and the search for love. That's all there is really.

- Lisa Milberg on the Shout Out Louds' album Our Ill Wills.

/// i understand now!

Sirens - Speedmarket Avenue

There is no need to analyze, to piece it together, to ask why or to figure out how. This is our love, as it is. Now, do I choose to love you as it is and as you are?

And I know, without a doubt, yes of course.

As you said that night at the Bishop's Arms, love is what you make of it, it can be very simple. Ganun lang talaga!

/// speedmarket avenue love

haha classic! this is as stockholm as can be! :) awkward parties, white walls, olle baertling posters (katarina bangata!!!), comments on society, alcohol, well-dressed insecure/arrogant boys and lovely indie pop. i love it!

/// art after dark

i haven't had this much fun in a long, long time! 

laughing so much that i had to punch arrate's arm, classic. everyone was shocked! haha i really cannot get over that hitting-my-friends thing whenever i am laughing so hard, everytime i do it here in europe, people get so shocked. haha anyway, now they tease me for being so violent when i get happy. "YOU'RE SO FUNNY!" *SLAP!* "OH I'M SO HAPPY!" *POW!* "OH IT'S SO GREAT!" *KICK!* dancing inside the guggenheim. the murakami exhibition that made me so happy! watermelons and kaikai's secret. vodkatonic. the now europe-famous "apir!"running INSIDE pieces of art, imagining that it was the scary pan's labyrinth monster who's chasing us! QUE FUERTE!

ang baliw niya no? aww miss ko na maging super baliw. kitsieeeeeee.

/// en el fin...

NOS VAMOS A CASAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

/// can you tell?

the house is number 9. <3

say yes! say yes!

ilang beses ko na ginawa yung nakatayo lang sa labas ng pinto, hindi ko na mabilang. nakakatawa punta ako ng punta dun dati tapos hindi pala siya doon nakatira. hahaha ang sarap mong isipin. sana ikaw nalang lagi yung pinoproblema ko, parang dati. ibang klaseng bigat yun e, bigat na masarap kasi alam ko gusto ko talaga pati ewan ko, mahal kita e! lagi kita iniisip. yung katabi natin yung shout out louds sa bishop arms tapos nahiya tayo. kung pano ka tumingin sakin! head tilted, leaning on your hands, half smile. tapos lagi mong tinataas yung right hand mo pag nageexplain ka. tapos yung naglalakad tayo papuntang slussen, dun sa malaking sign na coke, tapos hinahanap mo yung snus mo, naiwan mo pala sa turnups ng pantalon mo. sinong nakakaiwan ng snus sa turnups?!?! ang layo ng nilakad natin nun e, buti hindi nahulog. hahaha sabi ko, "do you have other stuff hidden there?!?" sabi mo hahaha very funny. tapos yung pakipot na kasal! hahaha gusto koooooo gusto mo ba?!?! gusto ko tumira sa mosebacke! gusto kita! pero gusto mo ba ko? gusto mo ko e pero bakit wala ka? ganun lang ba talaga? baka ito yung way natin to survive. dormancy. pwede ba yun? hindi ba pwedeng ngayon na tapos masaya tayo pareho? o talaga bang waiting abate the lesser passions while enhancing the grand ones? pero gaano katagal yung waiting? depende ba yun? sabi yun ng doctor ko, how long will you wait for him? walang problema sakin yung waiting, pero minsan bumibigay ako e, tapos minsan nakakatakot na yung loneliness at natutunan ko yung limits ko, minsan kailangan talaga may panghawakan ka. ay naalala ko yung sinabi mo! sabi ko why is love so hard? sabi mo no, it is what you make of it. it could be really simple. tapos naisip ko totoo yun. simple lang naman talaga, pinapahirapan lang natin sarili natin (parang ako, isip ako ng isip, todo-analyze, pero alam ko na naman na...) sa puno't dulo ng lahat tayong dalawa naman talaga e. no doubt about it. kailangan lang pagdaanan lahat ng to. mahal kita, j!

/// dormant

Dormancy is a period in an organism's life cycle when growth, development, and (in animals) physical activity is temporarily suspended. This minimizes metabolic activity and therefore helps an organism to conserve energy. Dormancy tends to be closely associated with environmental conditions. Organisms can synchronize entry to a dormant phase with their environment through predictive or consequential means. 

Predictive dormancy occurs when an organism enters a dormant phase before the onset of adverse conditions. For example, photoperiod and decreasing temperature are used by many plants to predict the onset of winter. 

Consequential dormancy occurs when organisms enter a dormant phase after adverse conditions have arisen. This is commonly found in areas with an unpredictable climate. 

While very sudden changes in conditions may lead to a high mortality rate among animals relying on consequential dormancy, its use can be advantageous, as organisms remain active longer, and are therefore able to make greater use of available resources.

Dormant volcano: a volcano that is inactive but may become active in the future.

Source: Wikipedia.org (my favourite source)

/// kafesne bat mesedez!

my "from sweden with love" presentation was a disaster. well not really, but i was so completely nervous i was fumbling with words and i didn't really do justice to my supposed to be really good presentation. i mean, it was a topic so close to my heart and i really prepared for it, but i blew it because i was so nervous. i really feel disappointed and embarrassed about it. jezuz.

but it was really good to finally meet joseba! sometimes all you need is a good conversation, coffee (kafesne bat mesedez!) and the setting sun. i have never met anyone so angry with bridges, buildings and trams! hahaha walking by the canal, apartments in campo volantin, "what are you rich?", the secrets and magic of the basque people, the civil war and crossing bridges, coward people, the guggenheim and spanish tourists, airports and hotels like songs. it's different in real life. feeling better.

now for napolitanas and kaffe latte. maybe some millenium again for tonight (ignoring school), i think i may be able to finish it. i love just drowning myself in kalle blomqvist and lisbeth salander's world. first of all, it's in stockholm. it feels so real because i know almost every street corner and every little detail (like billy's pizza, or where exactly millenium's office is, and lundagatan!). and mosebacke 9. and because i feel so much for lisbeth and micke. and sometimes a life or death thriller involving giant thugs, three million kronor and russian spies feels so much more solveable (?) than real-life school worries, far-away dreams and dormant loved ones.

/// summer

i remember seeing this back home before going to europe, and i kept repeating the last few seconds of the video. summer. i'm working on a three-minute presentation of swedish indie music for tomorrow. it's not going to be just three minutes, i'm sure!

“We feel what they are singing; we love all the things that are insinuated. You feel the cold sensation, the big jumpers, the polar lights, the dark winter and the joy in the summer time, with the sun in your face and a big, big smile, thinking about having a bath in a lake. All those things that you can feel with Swedish music make it special, and we like those kind of moments.”

-Monica Herrero, Fikasound

/// millenium

That is the crux of almost every fight, the moment when the strength drains out of you and the adrenaline pumps so hard that it becomes a burden and surrender appears like a ghost at the ring side. That is the moment that separates the pros from the amateurs and the winner from the loser. Few boxers who find themselves at that abyss manage to turn the match around, turn certain defeat into victory.

- Millenium: The Girl Who Played With Fire, pp.433-434

/// mosebacke 9

i made this last night using veer! it made me happy in a funny way! haha and also last night, i skipped through the final pages of millennium to know the ending. it really was mosebacke number 9 where lisbeth lived!!! :) 

/// winter 05

sara and i were driving down from a night of (lots of) dancing, racing down bilbao's empty highways. quiet stillness of 3:00 mornings, yellow night lights. ra ra riot was playing and my heart filled with my love for you. the past weeks have been terrible. but at that second, while singing winter 05 with all my might, i felt for the first time since i've got here that... things could not be so bad after all. or maybe they could be that bad. but at that moment there is just you and the lightness and rightness that thinking of you brings. yellow, violin-filled, cello-strings lightness and rightness.

/// stockholm winter love

stockhome, christmas and new year. i have finally finished making this video, and i am full of warm feelings inside. happiness.

/// medborgarplatsens bibliotek

I don't want to feel like I don't have a future.
I don't want to feel like it's an end of a summer.
Let's not fall back to sleep like we used to.
I don't want to wake up knowing I don't have a future.

Impossible. Your love is something I cannot remember.

I don't want to spend another day in this city.
I woke up thirsty, it's hard to go back you know.
Let's not fall back to sleep like we used to, do you remember?
I don't want to wake up knowing I don't have a future.

Impossible. Your love is something I cannot remember.
And there's a first time and a second time, you've got to hold on.
Did you know it could happen to you?
Your love is something I cannot remember.

I don't want to see the same pictures all over.
And I've been standing on the same spot now since it's been over.
'Cause someone promised me a new chance, yes you promised.
I don't want to wake up knowing I don't have a future.

Impossible. Your love is something I cannot remember.
And there's a first time and a second time, you've got to hold on.
Did you know it could happen to you?
Your love is something I cannot remember.

You are just like your mother, I'm just the same as the others.
Do you believe everything they write in all those magazines?
Stay out of love until you're ready, stay out of it 'cause it scares you.
YOU'LL STILL FIND YOUR LOVE OUTSIDE THE PUBLIC LIBRARY.

I know it could happen to you.

///

I can't believe this! It happened, it happened to me.

I just realized it now.

It's possible, it's possible.

/// artxanda

tawa kami ng tawa nung pinapanood ulit namin!

three things that made us laugh (in consecutive order):

1. angel sweater power and drunk ainhoa laughing at the side

2. ainhoa trying to push us off the cliff  (jack and jill)

3. aiser's "bilbaoooo" towards the end

ainhoa and aiser never heard of the song jack and jill before and it's funny because we were on a hill and they had this little plastic pail that they used to drink water with. hehe i never realized it was such a gory song. jack fell down and broke his crown! :s

artxanda. sounds like arlanda. golden sunshine. the funicular. a barbeque. burgers, squid, coke in teacups. calimucho. white sneakers. the hint of summer, memories of vitabergsparken picnics. el crisis de la vente. "you have to remember all the things you've already done and not the things that you haven't done yet, otherwise it will never end."

/// IT'S POSSIBLE... IT'S POSSIBLE...

IMPOSSIBLE



VS

IT'S POSSIBLE!!!




three interns in stockholm and i are in the same "impossible" situation. cosmic! nothing is impossible.

http://volontaire.tumblr.com/

/// nanay lita

my grandmother just died. tomorrow. it's march 18 in the philippines now. it's still march 17 here in this part of the world, and my grandmother is still alive. i love you nanay lita.

i really don't know what to say. i have never been able to deal with death, even until now. we were never good friends. but i am good friends with life. and i know that life is important and it means everything. love and life.

suddenly, everything comes in to perspective. these fucking papers don't matter. you probably don't love me (or you do, but you don't know how to deal with it, so it's basically the same). and i hate everyone who wants to die. they disgust me!!! there are no exceptions. i don't believe that other people couldn't help themselves for feeling like that, i really don't. EVERYONE could turn themselves around and choose. if you want to die, i hate you. you should be ashamed of yourself and you really deserve to die, really. i have no words really.

I DON'T WANT TO DIE. I WANT TO LIVE. I WANT TO LOVE YOU. I WANT TO LIVE IN SWEDEN. I WANT MY MOTHER TO BE HAPPY. I WANT HER TO NOT TO WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING. I WANT TO LIVE! I KNOW WHAT I WANT.

nanay lita, i hope heaven will be wonderful! are you excited to see ling again, finally? i will miss your goto, our afternoon talks in the dining room, golden sunshine, i will miss your bedroom and the smell of it, the sound of your radio at night, and the news in the morning, i will miss your smile and your gossip about other people in the neighborhood, your wisdom, i will miss the cure for diarrhea (coke) and feeling that everything will be alright because you said so, i will miss your red lipstick. i will miss you. thank you for being who you are, for making my mother who she is, and for showing us what love is and what life is. i will live life, i promise you.

it's 8:27pm here, you're still alive! and you will always be.

/// second dream hotel

breakfast at 13.00, that chocolate pastry that makes you so thirsty halfway through. cafe con leche and two glasses of water. the bartender (the tall one with the kindest eyes) offered me mas de agua without me asking for it. water. this is my sanctuary, the dim golden lights, the pastries by the window, small talk with charming old ladies and gentlemen. kindness with water. no one can touch me here. and if you turn around, and if you come for me, i will take you here and this will be our place. our second dream hotel.

i love you, do you think of me?

/// angel and the real boy

/// to the boys that we love. <3

sometimes when i call you, i feel just like hanging up. awww

you can't say no forever, in the end i always win!

/// and i found this boy

minnen ratta!

/// the sun also rises

Oh, darling, please stay by me. Please stay by me and see me through this.

- Chapter 16, The Sun Also Rises, Ernest Hemingway

/// the sun also rises

Oh, darling, please stay by me. Please stay by me and see me through this.

- Chapter 16, The Sun Also Rises, Ernest Hemingway

/// in a station in the metro

The apparition of these faces in the crowd;
Petals on a wet, black bough.

-Ezra Pound

/// no es el fin del mundo

(+)

the kindness of strangers
the kindness of teachers
ainhoa and ibon
creativity beats the recession everytime
kahit anong piliin mo, may magandang mangyayari sayo
cosmic psychologist in the library
a classmate who likes the shins
talking to j on the phone
tim ferriss
kitsie is coming! hold on!
find out what the problem is and then you will feel better

(-)

everything else

/// tonight i have to leave it

tonight i have to leave it (for now):



this is the shout out louds, summer version:



i wrote about it when i was dreaming of going to sweden for the first time and i was just about to make it come true:

and now i'm dreaming of stockholm summers again. i promise you, self, you will make another one of this videos, at the same place, skanegatan, dancing that dance, with golden sunshine, and with all your friends singing along. joy!

///

i woke up today and got out as soon as i can. found a new high tech library and now, eating breakfast in the basement cafeteria which reminds me so much of stockholm and the sodertorns hogskola library. everything is ikea white and i'm drinking jugo de naranja (orange juice), kafe con leche (kaffe latte in swedish haha), and eating napolitanas. later afternoon is my first class of the second semester here in spain.

una-una. relax ka lang. tranquila. ta det lungt. let yourself be. nasayo yun kung gusto mo maging *********, pero alam ko naman na hindi ka magiging ganun. i love you angel, let's go through this. make the most out of it, and soon it is skanegatan summer.