/// nanay lita

my grandmother just died. tomorrow. it's march 18 in the philippines now. it's still march 17 here in this part of the world, and my grandmother is still alive. i love you nanay lita.

i really don't know what to say. i have never been able to deal with death, even until now. we were never good friends. but i am good friends with life. and i know that life is important and it means everything. love and life.

suddenly, everything comes in to perspective. these fucking papers don't matter. you probably don't love me (or you do, but you don't know how to deal with it, so it's basically the same). and i hate everyone who wants to die. they disgust me!!! there are no exceptions. i don't believe that other people couldn't help themselves for feeling like that, i really don't. EVERYONE could turn themselves around and choose. if you want to die, i hate you. you should be ashamed of yourself and you really deserve to die, really. i have no words really.

I DON'T WANT TO DIE. I WANT TO LIVE. I WANT TO LOVE YOU. I WANT TO LIVE IN SWEDEN. I WANT MY MOTHER TO BE HAPPY. I WANT HER TO NOT TO WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING. I WANT TO LIVE! I KNOW WHAT I WANT.

nanay lita, i hope heaven will be wonderful! are you excited to see ling again, finally? i will miss your goto, our afternoon talks in the dining room, golden sunshine, i will miss your bedroom and the smell of it, the sound of your radio at night, and the news in the morning, i will miss your smile and your gossip about other people in the neighborhood, your wisdom, i will miss the cure for diarrhea (coke) and feeling that everything will be alright because you said so, i will miss your red lipstick. i will miss you. thank you for being who you are, for making my mother who she is, and for showing us what love is and what life is. i will live life, i promise you.

it's 8:27pm here, you're still alive! and you will always be.