maple leaves

It's autumn in Göttingen
I'm walking home to my suburb
Rain falls hard on the city
on every homeless kitty

Oh please god bring relief
even if it's only brief
that she says the dreamer just make-believe
but I thought she said maple leaves

die Liebe

German phrase of the day:

Ich brauche die Liebe in meinem Leben.

I need love in my life.

Traum

The German word for today is

TRAUM

I had a very strange dream the other day, it was another end of the world dream again, I use to have a lot of those. This time it took place in UPIS 3-6, with books falling from the ceiling. I got out of the room and found Christian and eventually my mother. I was so happy to see her. We looked for our luggage somewhere in Sunken Garden, it was chaotic but also calm, in a way.

Last night I dreamt of a good friend, C. It was a very good dream, the kind that gives you warm feelings when you wake up and makes you wish it really happened. The feeling kind of stays with you for the first few seconds of waking up. In the dream we were walking, talking and very happy though it was a grey, cloudy day. We hugged each other. 

I skyped with Bryan yesterday and John and Kitsie today. Love circles the world like a satellite, truly. 

Today is Ganseliesel festival so there were a lot of people on Weenderstrasse, eating ice cream, crepes, or  those noodle boxes from the Asian foodhaus. It made my head whirl, vetsin overload haha. H&M coat, wool socks, UHU patafix. Intense longing for my English-language books, Stieg Larsson and being and living in Stockholm again. Bike adventure to Rastenburgerweg, Zwiebelkuchen dinner at Shannon's, Feder Weisen wine, and the horror movie bike ride back to my apartment. The houses are beautifully creepy in an Exorcist kind of way, but I've got Bolywool, Cats on Fire and Suburban Kids with Biblical Names in my ears, so it's fine. :-)

Traum means "dream".

There must be more than this provential life.

Little town it's a quiet village.
Everyday like the one before.
Little town full of little people, waking up to say:
GUTEN TAG! x5
There goes the baker with his tray like always.
The same old bread and rolls to sell.
Every morning just the same since the morning that we came,
To this poor provential town.
GOOD MORNING GEL!!!

GMT +1

Here’s me
Here’s you
Draw a line between the two
This is cartography for beginners
On a map the gap’s three fingers
But it’s more than that
It’s more than that

The Lucksmiths

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meine fahrrad

the german word for today is:

FAHRRAD

i finally bought a bike today. i think i was ripped off. it is a very old bike, but it spoke to my heart. it's red, it's retro and it has all these really pretty stickers! i'm so tired of walking so i just bought the first bike that i saw. evil bike dealer. :/ 

but i'll take good care of it and hopefully we'll have lots of adventures here in niedersachsen! "ein herz fur iere!" a heart for... what's "iere" bryan?

fahrrad means "bicycle".

e! ras! mus!

i went to an erasmus party last night with some couchsurfers. it truly lived up to its name: the music was a mixture of indian bolywood style, afro beats, latin american samba, german hiphop, justin timberlake and some cheesy 90s songs like mr. boombastic and... eye of the tiger. welcome to gottingen's night life! hehehe! 

but the company was great, perfect couchsurfing fun. :-) i really believe all the nice people in the world could be found in CS. it should be an organized religion. christian danced with me. dominic offered me a bike. bart told me some interesting things about erasmus (in a hushed voice "totally not about studying") and his misadventures with french people, rhea told me that everything will be okay. and i met anja, this really terrific girl. we became friends instantly because she accidentally said "GOSSIP GIRL" instead of "GOSSIPY". i love it! haha 

anja, dominic and i walked home together. all the stars were out tonight and anja pointed out casseopeia to me and dominic. i didn't see it, there were just too many stars. and i am never good at constellations (constipations, steve). 

anja walked with me the rest of the way home at 3am, eventhough it was a long way from town and it was a horror-movie night. hehehe! it was eerily dark and quiet. the houses in gottingen looked a lot like the house in the exorcist and dominic with his long coat, getting the bike from his garden and walking slowly towards us strangely looked like the priest in the exorcist poster, and for a second there i was truly scared. hahaha! we ate prinzen cookies while walking and talked about distance, medicine, more gossip girl, chuck bass, doctor house and going through difficulties (you will!) and how everything will turn out just fine. S and B!

i remember what jon said about the kindness of strangers. meeting her made me feel that yes, maybe this place could be home.

one step at a time. 

screaming herz

german word of the day for yesterday was:

LIEBLING

i went out at dusk yesterday to buy coca-cola, iced tea and milk at the penny markt near (not really) my apartment. the long walk was cold and i was listening to the radio department.

my heart suddenly screamed for you. "tang ina puntahan mo ko dito!!!" it said. it felt so good to feel your name on my heart again. it felt like it suddenly woke up, from a long, uneventful sleep. did you hear it? it didn't have to travel so far now.

liebling means "darling".

sunshine

Yesterday was absolutely crazy and gray-day-sad.

I got into the Frankfurt-Hamburg train for Gottingen, passing forests and forests of evergreen trees. That's the word for it, evergreen. It feels like Hogwarts and Tuck Everlasting and Forks something else altogether between panic and apathy and blank and adventure. In between forests, there are quaint little towns on hilltops, which are breathtaking.

But the skies are grey. I used to be a fan of grey skies, but now I'm not so sure (after seeing the blue summer skies of Sweden and experiencing this wet, autumn day (read on). Hmm, no.) It's cold, it's heavy and it drags your soul on the wet streets.

Anyway, Sebastian met me on the station. He's really nice and a bit shy but we get along well. :-) After unpacking and eating German and Filipino chocolates and skyping with my mother and best friend, we went to buy pillows and sheets and blankets for my bed. On bikes!!! Two kilometers away from where we lived. In the COLD AUTUMN RAIN!!! Jet-lagged, tired and confused and disoriented. Hahaha It was an adventure. He kept looking back and laughing at me because I was too slow and I was cussing and saying really weird things. I dropped on my (new and very pretty) bed and went to sleep right away.

I remember unpacking and looking out my window and saying to myself, "What the hell am I doing here?"

But today was a new day! I woke up and decided that I will make things better. Things will be better. I took a bath, dressed in my most colorful clothes and walked out the door. I went to the university, tried to figure out the Mensa (the student dining hall) system where you would have to queue up to get a ticket (my first German words: Stamm Ein), queue up again up the stairs to get your food from a conveyor belt. I felt like "The New Student" walking in the gigantic cafeteria, finding a place to sit. But just being there reminded me that there is life in this town. Just hearing the buzz and the talk and the sound of students is already a comfort to me. Like the sun, like my favorite song playing in my ipod.

I went to my programme's office and met my coordinator. He's really, really nice, laughs a lot (Germans laugh a lot!) and makes jokes like "This is a silly program, we have nothing to offer you." Haha

I walked to the main pedestrian road. I realize that I love shops and downtowns and just being surrounded by so much life. I guess it comes from living in a big, chaotic city all my life. Yesterday was sadness because everything was so quiet (and maybe I was just really tired and confused and HELLO it was just my first day. Give yourself a break Angelf.) But walking down these streets with H&M and Mc Donald's and neon signs made me feel a little at home. Or the feeling that anywhere could be home. As long as there is an H&M. Hehe

I found myself in St. Jacobikirchen, this amazing Lutheran church in town with pillars of red blue and white diagonals, like the sides of an airmail envelope. They said it was made in the 1400's, when optical illusions were just discovered. I just sat there, thinking, praying. Singing "Jesus, Walk with Me" to myself. Why am I so afraid when he is just there with me? I will never be alone.

And then I met Jonathan from Couchsurfing (best community ever!) at the Uni library and he showed me around town. What would I do without Couchsurfing? He's really nice. We walked around the center, found a fairtrade store with lots of stuff from Philippinen, changed money after failing to find banks that are open (all closed at 16:00 Wednesdays), talked about my love for H&M ("the center of Gottingen and the world"), couchsurfing (and not couchsurfing) at Stockholm, and shopped for groceries. At Wilhelmsplatz I saw a boy with the same Strokes shirt as mine and I wanted to hug him.

And walking home, THE SUN SHINED IN GOTTINGEN. It felt so incredible just seeing the sun's rays. Now I know why Swedes eagerly await summer and now I understand how happy they must be. And maybe what I'm feeling is just a fraction of it. But truly, I felt that things will be better only because the sun shone.

It's so incredible to think that I am at the same time zone as Sweden. And it's just a train ride away, and yet I am here. And how I am giving this place a chance because I really believe that there is a reason why I am here.

It's stupid to give up on something just because you don't know (or too scared) of what will happen. Why don't give it a try and open yourself to the possibility that IT MAY BE THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO YOU? Haha Read that, Johan.

09.23.2008 Flughafen

September 23, 2008 07.00
Frankfurt Flughafen Fernbahnhof

I am sitting at the station, waiting for my 08.42 train to Gottingen. This is it, the start of my new life. I still couldn’t feel the gravity of it, I am on my own. But I could feel the fringes of it, that I am at the very beginning, the edge. And it is mighty scary. I miss my mother already.

But I am here now, and I think the only way to go through this is to go through it. Go through the motions of life as J said.

It’s just hard not to know anything about this place and yet I find myself here, waiting for a train to take me to the town that would be home for the next couple of years (actually I will be a European nomad, changing homes for every semester, but Goettingen is like home base). It’s weird not to know any German and yet I am here. But that’s what I am here for right? To live and to learn.

On the plane from Bangkok to Frankfurt I was sitting with a German couple, Joel and Christine. They were nice, taught me a few German phrases and they said they were culture shocked at Bangkok (haha what magnitude of shock would they feel when they go to Manila!?). On the airport, I found them again a couple of times and they helped me look for the long distance trains.

I remembered seeing on take off and landing they automatically reached for each other’s hands. Like magnets. I remembered Bobby Baby’s song, I like the moments in between going to bed and going to sleep, I like riding my bike in the morning, ten minutes of traveling to work. Soon we’ll travel round the world. Hold my hand when we land, don’t let go till we stop.

I remember singing “Ewan” to myself on takeoff and saying farewell to Manila, the most beautiful airplane city-view at night. It feels sad looking out that window, not knowing when I will see it again. And thinking of all the changes that would happen before I see that view again, I shiver when I think of it.

I remember switching to “Pulling Our Weight” because it feels more right. And it comforts me. If there’s a goal, a dream, the most important reason why I am on this plane it is to find love, the kind I’m dreaming of. I’m flying to you, whoever you are. And just thinking of that makes things better already. It makes sense.

The immigration officer said, have a great time!

In a few hours, I will be meeting my flatmate Sebastian. I’m excited! Hmmm Goettingen. Riding bikes, going to school, meeting new friends, trees, parks, hmmm.

last night in the tore for now.

i have never felt so scared and so anxious and so sad in my entire life. i have learned (without even leaving yet) that good byes are the hardest things i have ever known. 

and love, the greatest. i believe in that, and i think that will pull me through.

mami and i went to sta. clara today, krung thai dinner with mami, les, zig, chappy and bituin. hang out at the tore, they borrowed my books, we laughed at our old pictures, me crying suddenly while kitsie was on the phone with les. sabi ni ziggy, isipin ko nalang mahabang bakasyon yan.

i really never expected this, this fear. aaaaahhhhhhh 

the opposite of it, the opposite of it. promises of good things to come, happiness. sunbeams and gales, angelic orders. love circling the globe like a satellite, a force field to shield you from darkness. never alone, never apart. angels two times your size, always beside you.

just get on the plane! just get on that plane.

tonight is the last night for now that i will sleep in my beloved tore. i will miss you. vi ses igen!

picnic love

                                           
today was my farewell picnic. it didn't rain! i felt so loved. all my closest friends came. jihan, trisha, grake, kitsie, mike, chappy, bituin, diana, ziggy, marvi, selena, kathy, edwina, patty, sheryl, kai, chino, iocis, izzy, michelle, joseph, iya and biyo! they gave me gifts and brought all my favorite food! i have never seen that much coca cola in a party before, a ratio of one-liter per person maybe! mernels cake, shoppersville malacanang roll, remy's puto, chicken, angel's tuna pasta by kitsie, pan de manila with lily's peanut butter, chocochip cookies, pie, empanada, baci chocolates, sbarro white cheese pizza, kopi roti, a cooler full of grape juice! <3>

it feels so hard and so weird to be saying goodbye, everything is so overwhelming, but maybe it's also something inside me telling me that this is not really goodbye. just vi ses igen. see you again.

i finished packing tonight. i only have one luggage for clothes and one small stroller for my things. it feels really sad tonight... i am trying to be brave.

bituin's heart shaped letter. of love and courage of the people who love me here, of a carl jung connection that will span oceans, of energies strong enough to protect me from darkness.

musse said, it would really be weird if i'm not scared. j also said a similar thing, that of course i would be scared shitless, i am about to go on the biggest adventure of my life. but the anxiety and the fear are promises of better things to come: of happiness that is waiting for me. the other side of these feelings. duino elegies, angels.

and bryan's letter. if your heart doesn't break, then something must be wrong. don't give up sunbeams to hide from the gales.

and my heart: split seagull seconds. distance is nothing but the echoes of seagulls to this ocean of hope.

last days of white shoes

i bought these white keds when i came back from sweden because everyone was wearing them there, a summer trend i suppose. when i was fitting them on in landmark, "subtle changes" by sambassadeur suddenly played in the mall's PA system and it was just so crazy. i shiver when i think of it. anyway, i've been wearing them everyday and they make me so happy. i wouldn't be bringing them to germany because it's fall already. but someday, summer and white sneaker days will come again. for now, great adventures of ankle boot kinds are waiting. 

hej! hej!

From my travel journal, when I was in Scandinavia last summer:

I will see you again, I know it. I think that's why they say "Hej! Hej!" in Scandinavia. There are really no goodbyes. Just hello, hello over and over again.

I will not give up sunbeams to hide from the gales. Onward, forward, higher and higher. Sail on! I just feel so... not ready. 

Maybe in the morning, I will feel better.

klm line

i woke up tonight, 2 am and i felt so scared and alone. i never felt this scared in my entire life. i feel like when i go outside, there will be no one there. like 28 days later. monday... i don't know why i am this scared. is this normal?

i am typing from a mac. i am lost in the world of pretty white keyboards and gleaming interfaces, but i guess this will take time to getting used to, then it will be a blast. like everything, right?

my stomach is doing somersaults. i still haven't packed. songs to calm me down: club 8's jesus, walk with me. the fairways' klm line. bolywool's save my soul. 

anna

Here's to our supposed science and art genius, weird 2020 music-listening third culture children. Sorry, Anna.

Bakasyon Goodbye and Angels

I will write and write and write until i have purged this sadness and anxiety and irrational fears out of my system. :-) Yes? Yes!

One week to go. No, six days. Until I fly away to Goettingen and pursue my dreams. And live life on my own. I thought I had a lot of time but when this week turned around the corner, the minutes and hours just kept flying by. And all my fears and anxieties are getting to me, and I don't know exactly when things turned around and suddenly we are all dreading the 22nd. :s

I guess it is just normal. This is my dream. The one I've been dreaming of half my life. To live in Europe. I have never expected all these conflicting feelings. I will miss my mother, I will miss Kitsie, I will miss my friends. I never really thought about it this way and it scares me.

I will be diving into the great unknown.

But there is always light.

I went to the beach last weekend with my best friends. I will never be alone with friends like these, even if they are miles away. We swam on the stormy sea, dancing in the rain. The pictures looked sad even if we were smiling. Justin went into our room and surprised me with a stuffed toy dog (Peanut). I hugged him. I gave Biyo the crocodile stuffed toy I bought for him in Ikea. We ate endless chocolates, peanuts, Doritos, Coke Lights, the best pan de sal in the whole world. We sang karaoke with a shocked Shannon. Mikael threw a one night only burlesk show.

The girls, drunk with fruit flavored vodkas, hitting the boys' bums with branches floating on the sea. Before heading back for dinner, we closed our eyes and made a wish before throwing the branches to the ocean. I stood there a longwhile, eyes squeezed shut, the branch over my heart. When I opened my eyes, they were already walking back to the house. I threw my branch (the blue and grey sea listen to my heart) and off I go.

There was a blackout and the boys started telling ghost stories. Candlelight and kurant Sprites. The talk turned to angels, and how human beings never realize how powerful they are. How we are only waist-high, standing next to them. And the story of the African assassin and the prayers that saved a man's life. Mikael told me that I will never be alone. And I realized that it is true.

"You've always been a dreamer and like a true elf, sail off to worlds bigger and better. Live your dreams to the fullest and never let them go. Whatever happens always remember that if you put your mind to it and hold fast things always turn out fine. So have a great time and always remember that you will always have BG to come home to." he wrote on my notebook.

I will always remember the story of the African assassin and the seven priests. I will always remember the truth that is: I AM NEVER ALONE. With friends like these, it is not so hard to believe in angels. In waking life, in dreaming life, in far-off places or just right beside me.

with love from manilabangkokstockholmkobenhavngoteborggottingen.

what we have
can divide miles
and
split seconds.
what is distance compared to love?

distance is nothing but
the echoes of seagulls
to this
ocean of hope.


01.26.2008

S.W.E.D.E.N.

summer with every dream, elven nights.

frigidly

The pop songs they heard slayed them every time. Some radio would only have toplay, for old time's sake, that song that goes "yes yes yes, oh baby yes," and everyone in the diner would be in tears. They could not love anymore, they thought, just drink and pour coffee and track down people in the rain. They were living frigidly, as if in a Cone of Frost. It was apparently necessary for their babies to abandon them so they could see what I mean, if you know what I mean. But couldn't they get something back, or something else? Love -- is this something we can learn to do again, and if so, when will that time arrive, even on a bad day? When do you know when something is becoming something that changes you? That's what Andrea was thinking of, and a Ramos Gin Fizz, as she watched the snowcapped figure of the detective's partner topple to the sidewalk and the swift shadow of Mike dodge down the street. When do you learn that the world, like any diner worth its salt, is open twenty-four hours a day?

Now. Mike ran after her through the drips and drabs of snow on the ground. It never snowed in San Francisco. Never never never. This is love, an impossible thing that will change your frigid life, and Mike believed it was happening and ran after her into the night.

-p. 90 Adverbs / Daniel Handler