/// the taste of morning

Time's knife slides from the sheath,
as a fish where it swims.

Being closer and closer is the desire
of the body. Don't wish for union!

There's a closeness beyond that. Why would God want a second God?

Fall in love in such a way that it frees you from any connecting.
Love is the soul's light, the taste of morning, no me, no we, no claim of being.

These words are the smoke the fire gives off as it absolves its defects,
as eyes in silence, tears, face. Love cannot be said.


- Rumi

/// let us be who we are.

what's over there? i said pointing to the west. it's a fields and small towns. and beyond that? france. and beyond that and a bit to the south is where i will be, bilbao.

and on the north? there is hamburg. and the sea. and copenhagen. and malmo, lund, and then stockholm.

to the south? austria, switzerland, italy, the mediterranean. and then africa. and the south pole.

and the east. there's berlin! beyond that? poland. and white russia / belarus. then all the craziness begins. the kazakhstans, india,
vietnam laos cambodia thailand the sea and then, the philippines.

germany. i never thought i'd be here. it's funny how life throws you somewhere, isn't it? i said. it's always strange, sebastian said.

and suddenly on top of albrecht thaer weg no. 12 overlooking goettingen's city night lights, germany and i said good bye as friends.

/// loney dear, närkesgatan

i lived near here. so fo (south of folkungagatan) represent. haha awww. :( missing everything and everyone already. hi C, L, AJ, AM, E, MU, MA, J! :(

/// summer comes

/// ta det lungt

just got back in goettingen, sitting in my messy room, listening to ra ra riot. everything feels strange, like waking up from a dream. i feel like i'm in the verge of a panic attack (like last time) but a friend said, there's no need for that. ta det lungt, take it easy. stockholm is real.

i saw a couple of guys from mando diao in arlanda this afternoon, he was standing behind me in line. i didn't know who he was but i saw his bag and it says MANDO DIAO BJORN. haha i just saw them on tv this morning. but even if you don't know them, you would get the feel that they are someone important because of the way they carry themselves, like brats. haha i remember because i was crying when i saw them. i was waiting in line for security checks.

crying all over stockholm today. i cried on the arlanda express. i cried in centralen when i saw a teenage girl crying on her older sisters' shoulder saying goodbye. i cried with amanda when we had brunch in strings today. water faucet, the tears just won't stop falling.

there are hills and trees to be climbed, when you know someone awaits your return. tell me you are waiting for me.

ta det lungt. stockholm is real. he is real. and everything will be fine.

///

good morning stockholm, i love you.

i woke up today and said to myself, ride it out. like calle said. i still felt sick to my stomach though. i got up and looked out the window and it was snowing and the ground was white and the djurgarden and the lake in the distance wefre basking in fog. absolutely beautiful.

will check out of scandic, meet amanda for breakfast at strand, and maybe meet calle at centralen. then arlanda airport.

chilla, softa, you can do this angel. ride it out. and sooner, you will be back in no time.

/// gold in the air of summer

i want to remember these moments forever.

i just said no goodbyes to L and AJustice a few minutes ago at slussen, by the sybylla. it was snowing, the ground was all white there were two humongous police (f***a polis!) horses on the square. "did you like your party?" asked L. "is it easier now to leave sweden?" asked A.

i loved every second of it, the see-you-later at hjärtats in bellmansgatan (not bishops arms!) with L, Ajustice, Eliza, Martin and his friend Anders (Angel). they taught me some nice swedish words like f***a and i have managed to make thirty or so combinations of that word with other nice words which made all of them burst out laughing. you have to wash your mouth with soap young lady! ghost horse the doll that i got for L was sleeping on the table, with candle light and a tissue paper blanket. kings of convenience was playing when L and I stepped in the bar. kosmik! the knife's pass this on. we will never be luttrad! eliza and i talked about experiencing things in three different moments, and being melancholy in the moment. how i am always sad about things ending and how its hard for me to just be happy in the moment. how i want to get through that and how we should just follow calle's advice (best advice ever): CHILL THE F*** OUT!

focus on the positive things. remember EVERYTHING good that has happened to you here, keep it in your heart, it will always be yours.

so i say this to fear, chilla! f***a! hahaha i know, it's so easy to say to chilla, but so much harder to do. so i guess what can help is to remember the good things instead.

no one else loves this place more than i do, i said to anders.

i loved EVERY SECOND of stockholm. the whole of february. the golden times of christmas and new year. the beginning which was summer. it will never be easy to leave sweden, but knowing i have friends here and that someone (everyone and the city and slussen and medis and sofo and st eriksplan and every street and everyone!) would be waiting for me, makes it a whole lot easier, yes.

these are yours! this afternoon, listening to eluvium at calle's cribz, riding it out. fika at odengatan. brownies and nasty words and silly pictures and slow-mo and vanadislunden and estuaries i could and i would. life after credits, katarina bangata and L, pizza at ringvagen, s:t eriksplan, the countless coffee shops, ghost horse, veggie burgers, brunch at cafe string, skanegatan, sofo, colored pens, ben and jerry's ice cream, sound of arrows, debaser medis, odengatan, musse, the corridor at stockholm uni, coke and the afterlife, nk and childhood memories, sad day for puppets bomb shelter magic rehearsals and slussen. fasching and dancing, hiphop and timbuktu, vampire lounge and apologies. the crossing from mcdonald's to medis. libraries and surprise text messages. thursday and uppsala. kings of convenience cosmic moments. kladdkaka and coffee. cafe soda and comic books. frozen lakes and cracking ice. frozen lakes and sun surprise. the tunnelbana from slussen to gamla stan and the view in between. the sky outside hjartats tonight and powdery snowball fights. walking along hornsgatan with ice-white streets. bellmansgatan with joham. mental pictures and two minutes. gomorra and victoria. water faucet and ica tootbrushes. mosebacke number 9 and coca cola signs. spinach pancakes and vasterbron bridge. snus hidden in turn ups. and many more.

the northern star is always there, and so is this city. moments exist everywhere and they are waiting for me. but now, i have these moments, and they will always have me.

we WILL shine like gold in the air summer.

/// scandic slussen

my love makes me go places, says bituin.

i am in a really weird state of mind, and this morning i felt like throwing up again, like the last time when i was about to leave stockholm. this is not good bye forever, it is just me and my crazy personality. the city is not going anywhere.

i'm going out to have brunch, walk around the city, find a fjallraven bag perhaps, visit calle, and tonight, see-you-later party at bishops arms in bellmansgatan.

remember the sun yesterday at the lake between gamla stan and sodermalm. remember the frozen lake, and being in the sun. remember katarina hissen and the love for the city.

remember thursday and victoria theater and gomorra and being a water faucet in gotgatan and all over sodermalm and toothbrushes in ica, and it's your personality and mosebacke and coca cola signs and slussen.

remember wednesday and vampire lounge and i'm really sorry and turning the corner from medis and feeling what he felt. sad day for puppets. bellmansgatan. mental pictures. remember slussen and two minutes.

/// joham

joham is real. and i actually called him that without meaning to, joham. hahaha! it was probably the funniest moment of my life so far (right, kitsie?). "so am i jewish now?" he said.

he says "basically" and "the thing is" at the beginning of every sentence which just cracks me up everytime. he has a blue coat and blue eyes. at vampire lounge we sat and talked about what has happened. collared shirts, dressing up for monday, nice shoes, apartments in sodermalm. apologies and explanations and fears and laughter. we said goodbye (for a couple of hours) at medis outside mcdonald's.

the sad day for puppets rehearsal was in a bomb shelter under august strindbergs' statue in tegnersgatan. there were just twelve people there, loved ones and friends, a send-off before they tour england. i sat on the floor. i couldn't believe what was happening. my most favorite songs, the cave walls, big waves, thinking about what has happened, what is happening and what will happen and i was just overwhelmed with love. "it's alright now, and that's what counts," anna sang.

we met again at slussen (!!!) to find a place to eat. long time no see, i'm missing you already. walking to bellmansgatan, freezing cold. his most favorite spot in stockholm. the bishops arms. seeing the shout out louds there, but not saying hi because of jantelagen. veggie burgers and chicken bacon club sandwiches. gossip, dishwashers being relationship savers, not reading newspapers, carrying the world's problems on your shoulders, cheering me up, not worrying about the future, just going through it (vs ignoring it), roskilde, summer. the concretes' on the radio, there are trees and hills to be climbed when you know someone awaits your return. signing service level agreements. when you disappear from everyone else, you will not disappear from me.

i want to remember this forever, i said. looking back at bellmansgatan where we were walking, the yellow and orange houses, the bishop's arms sign. you can take a mental picture next time when you're back, he said.

at slussen, the sign says two minutes till the train to hagsatra. i hugged him.

i never gave up on you. i never gave up on you and i did it for this moment. the first time i saw you, standing on the steps, dusk in the middle of medis. turning the corner from the library, walking to debaser medis' steps, that big hug. same place, same time, finally.

/// life on mars

1:24 when the song turns is
you and my faith in you, even if i know that you probably don't deserve it. but well, that's just the way it is.
turn around, pick up the phone, whatever happens will happen, but we have to find out.

there is life on mars, i know it.

/// my swedish best friend

...that is calle, and he never reads my blog. right, calle?

i woke up at 7:55am today because martin said the early bird catches the worm. i ended up holing up in the kitchen, checking email, doing laundry, talking to my mom, my best friend and my closest friend in germany about crazy times (which is now) and finally at 15:00 i went out to clear my head.

i walked from fridhemsplan to hornstull. i was racing to catch the sunset in västerbron. it was freezing cold and i was standing at the middle of the bridge just looking out the most beautiful sunset view in stockholm. the sun directly in front of your eyes, a half frozen lake, water running through the ice cracks. the bridge was shaking and it felt good in a weird but natural way.

i was so cold, i could barely feel my toes. i took the tunnelbana to zinkensdamm and had kladdkaka and hot chocolate at kaffe och drömmar. the barista was blond and very cute and very apologetic because there wasn't enough whipped cream left. we said bye to each other.

i met my swedish best friend in hötorget. we had 14- kr lattes, talked about what has been happening for the past few days. i love just sitting in random coffee shops in the city and making memories that i know i will really miss when i am away from this place. the view outside the window, people walking by, the two cups on the table, calle saying "i could" in a really retarded way to christian on the phone. memories from this city that i love so much. talking about retarded södermalm boys. being content with england and sweden. how seeing the world and india and backpacking are retarded also. luttrad. being an eezteez. "you are my friend right!?!?" how my title as number one fan is being challenged by a japanese girl. haha! "did you make love?" hahaha and walking from hötorget to tekniska högskolan just talking.

"i do admire your belief in people."

/// weird state of mind

cheap monday!

it was a good morning. martin was playing some really good folk music and i was sitting in the kitchen, looking out the window with the snow falling. i was waiting for six o'clock, but it seemed like six o'clock was postponed again to an indefinite time. just give in! meet me, fall in love and get over it!

i met musse because i was going crazy. he met me one hour after i texted him. <3 on the subway, j was texting me about apartments in sodermalm and seeing me in SKWBN two weeks ago. i don't know how to read all this right now. it's on the counter!!! happiness in a bag.

sitting on our favorite corridor in stockholm university. state of mind, state of place. existentialist talk, are you here? are you real? being brave and courageous. the tunnelbana is like going to india. empty rooms and being at peace because: death and you cannot exist at the same time. drawing fake id's on my passport. deciding to go out because both of us are in weird state of minds, and not really in the mood to hole up in libraries and study. little brothers, broken bones. he bought me a coke. i said you're a special swede. he said i've just been meeting the wrong swedes it seems. it all evens out in the end, you see. i believe in that.

restless times call for... shopping. we love NK! his memories of childhood memories of candy bags and mother's shoes. looking for fjallravens. marimekkos. the soft sofa in urban outfitters' dressing room. you will love urban outfitters! first paychecks and coca cola on norrmalmstorg. gotgatan. 10 swedish designers necesare and a lux top from urban outfitters. do you like people? living in woods. being content with the people we know now. i don't feel the need to "discover the world and meet new people". i just want to stay here, and love my friends. in india you lose yourself. burger king.

you are in the place you've dreamed of, you are far away from home, you are far from your friends, your family, you are having all these love experiences... if i were you i would be in a hospital right now.

hur ru du du babs. it's now or never!

/// sodermalm

it's my last night here in katarina bangata, suddenly i feel so sentimental. this place has become home to me, in a way. the neon pink gamla struts at the corner, the number 76 bus outside the door, the walkway in the middle of everything, the chinese store in ringvagen, the hummus cafe, the best view of stockholm when the bus turns towards slussen. the small elephant statues in greta garbo square, the time store that says you are near home. the number 3 bus when the number 76 is not around. walking home from medis, katarina the turning street. the mismatched chairs, the surprise snow falling outside, the olle baertling poster on the wall. maybe i am just not so good with things ending. but every ending is a new beginning isn't it? as benjamin button's mother said, you never know what's coming for you.

/// and then there was love

i made a movie for moderna museet! :)

happy hearts day everyone!

/// waking up to...

this was a photo of me taken by camille last december 2007, the morning after young folks night. she labeled it as 

"waking up to sweden."

it is so easy to forget where you are now, and how you got there. i have almost forgotten how long the road was to get here and everything i did and how many difficult nights i've endured and how many papers i've filled out and how many essays i've written and how many taxi cabs i took and how many websites i've memorized and how many train rides i endured and how much i've waited and how much i've DONE. i've almost forgotten how brave i was. i've almost forgotten HOW i love you. 

i want to remember.

and the songs, and the dreams, and your words, but most importantly, MY OWN SELF brought me here. i am in an apartment in sodermalm, things beyond my imagination has happened over the past few months, and i believe there are more wonders waiting for me. i have been scared most of the time but a friend told me that being brave doesn't mean having no fears. it means that i am not letting those fears stop me. you are one of the most courageous persons i've met, she said. i am not so scared anymore. i am in an apartment in sodermalm, things beyond my imagination has happened over the past few months and i know there are more wonders waiting for me, for all of us. love, the kind we're dreaming of. 

i did wake up to sweden.

/// our city.

This is an old city, built to last, not built to be endlessly torn down and redeveloped. I want to live in such a city, not too far from the forest and the sea, and I want to call it by your name.

-Four Letter Word: New Love Letters, Jeanette Winterson

/// the girl dreamed, the city waited.

The city waited. Waited for the fifteen-year-old boy who had not yet seen any of its splendor, and for all the others who were coming. It lived in their dreams and offered every opportunity.

But a young boy neither could see nor wanted to see that most were dark ones, that the opportunities for joy and life were far fewer than those for sorrow and death.

The boy dreamed. The city waited.

- Per Anders Fogelström: Stockholm, City of My Dreams

/// katarina bangata

Hej world!

I can't believe it's almost a week since I got here. I'm in Stockholm, by the way. What! Time flies when you're living in a dream. Rather, time and space does not make sense anymore. I feel like I'm drifting. And restless all the time. My head is always so full of half-baked decisions, hesitant steps, unmade phone calls, unwritten papers.

But K and I have been talking and we decided that this is the doing of my over-hedonistic nature and that we should just listen to my mom and the Sound of Arrows and make the most of it.

And just make it happen!!! (PUSHING OUR THUMBS! CROSSING OUR FINGERS! WISHING ON STARS!)

The W.O.R.L.D. is full of M.A.G.I.C.!!! Don't stress yourself! Don't plan and scheme! The world is full of wonders that we just haven't seen yet!

M.A.G.I.C. - The Sound of Arrows

Friday last week. I took a taxi in Goettingen, two trains to Berlin and a plane to Stockholm. L was the first person I saw when I came back, waiting for me at the place where we last saw each other. We bought nose sprays, a one-month travel card and take out pizza to celebrate. I love it when he said "Welcome home!" We met AJustice and other friends for Labrador Night at Debaser Medis. The Sound of Arrows was pure magic! I was so surprised. And so happy! The 80's childhood flashback videos, pink and purple balloons, neon lights, dancing! Suburban Kids with Biblical Names was chaotic, but it was still fun. I loved the last song, I think it was Funeral Face.

I love living with L. I love ICA grocery shopping. I love polar bread and evil-milk (0.5%) breakfasts. Learning Swedish through late night comic book reading. Watching depressing movies that doesn't mean anything. Learning how to play chess and being stressed by strategic thinking. I love The Radio Dept's Your Father. Haha! I love walking on Ringvagen spotting the many barberos (många frisör, mga barbero). Saying fjortis to everyone. Watching The Knife and Kings of Convenience videos. I love "Stockholm White" paint. Apotekarnes Julmust at half price. I love eating Ben and Jerry's Half Baked ice cream watching My Blueberry Nights. I love Chinese spring rolls and snabb makaroner. I don't like doing the dishes though (haha).

Last night we went to Eliza's welcome home party. The spinach pancakes and mushrooms were amazing. The conversation too. It was great to see her again. I remember: not wanting to be in India and realizing what she truly wanted was to walk across Vasterbron in the summer. When she said summer, everyone stayed quiet for a minute, with peaceful, far-off looks of longing on their faces. It was like a spell. The memories and the promises of summer. I always get this tingly feeling when someone else says "I love Sweden", especially if Swedes themselves say it. It's like a relief, like I knew all along that I am on the right track.

At the end of the night we bid good bye to her and said "Welcome home." She said to me, "You too."

Tomorrow, I'm going to wake up and I'm going to choose love, and life.

/// M.A.G.I.C.

The Sound of Arrows - M.A.G.I.C.


Yesterday, I had the longest ever dream.
That the world was endless with possibilities.
It had me thinking, one should never forget;
That there are wonders, we haven't seen just yet

Seize a chance, follow a dream
Be yourself, don't plan and scheme
For what we do, won't matter that much
Puzzles and Wonders, Mysteries and Such.

So calculate and analyse.
My head is spinning from all of those lies.
It had me fooled, a logical mess.
In a time of facts, figures and distress.

The W.O.R.L.D. is full of M.A.G.I.C.


///


with love from katarina bangata,
a

/// i live in libraries

greetings to all my friends,

a song from seabear!

Libraries - Seabear


with love from the stockholm public library,
a




///

Fall down the stairs
It's been a long time since
I got my hands on your teenage poems
It's the only poison that I like

I'm throwing rocks at broken windows
Picking locks with footprints from the snow

And I don't believe you live in a library
(That sails the sea)
Sleeping with a book-blanket out at sea
(like the girls told me)

My little bird flew away from me
She made her home in a poor country

You're breaking branches
on your way down
Just some one new
to throw your arms around

The next time I wake up, I want it to be
In a rabbit hole to the sound of you
(making coffee)
With the warm, salty sea
Its waves crashing over me

Look what you've done
You punched a hole in the sun
(Now it won't shine)

Look what you've done
You punched a hole in the sun
(How did you know it was I?)

Look what you've done
You punched a hole in the sun
And now it won't shine for anyone

/// the right place

got this from bituin. i miss her. :)

just like there's a right place for everything around me,
there must be the right place for me somewhere in this world.