/// joham

joham is real. and i actually called him that without meaning to, joham. hahaha! it was probably the funniest moment of my life so far (right, kitsie?). "so am i jewish now?" he said.

he says "basically" and "the thing is" at the beginning of every sentence which just cracks me up everytime. he has a blue coat and blue eyes. at vampire lounge we sat and talked about what has happened. collared shirts, dressing up for monday, nice shoes, apartments in sodermalm. apologies and explanations and fears and laughter. we said goodbye (for a couple of hours) at medis outside mcdonald's.

the sad day for puppets rehearsal was in a bomb shelter under august strindbergs' statue in tegnersgatan. there were just twelve people there, loved ones and friends, a send-off before they tour england. i sat on the floor. i couldn't believe what was happening. my most favorite songs, the cave walls, big waves, thinking about what has happened, what is happening and what will happen and i was just overwhelmed with love. "it's alright now, and that's what counts," anna sang.

we met again at slussen (!!!) to find a place to eat. long time no see, i'm missing you already. walking to bellmansgatan, freezing cold. his most favorite spot in stockholm. the bishops arms. seeing the shout out louds there, but not saying hi because of jantelagen. veggie burgers and chicken bacon club sandwiches. gossip, dishwashers being relationship savers, not reading newspapers, carrying the world's problems on your shoulders, cheering me up, not worrying about the future, just going through it (vs ignoring it), roskilde, summer. the concretes' on the radio, there are trees and hills to be climbed when you know someone awaits your return. signing service level agreements. when you disappear from everyone else, you will not disappear from me.

i want to remember this forever, i said. looking back at bellmansgatan where we were walking, the yellow and orange houses, the bishop's arms sign. you can take a mental picture next time when you're back, he said.

at slussen, the sign says two minutes till the train to hagsatra. i hugged him.

i never gave up on you. i never gave up on you and i did it for this moment. the first time i saw you, standing on the steps, dusk in the middle of medis. turning the corner from the library, walking to debaser medis' steps, that big hug. same place, same time, finally.