/// we are soldiers we have guns - the great depression

we are soldiers we have guns - the great depression from Stereo Test Kit on Vimeo.

3:00

the sun will make it right.
you can make it right.
i sure can make it right.
give me a sign.

0:57
2:05
2:54
2:57
3:04
3:29
3:39

/// pippi

today i had my first run in with the german polizei. i wasn't doing anything wrong. so i stood up for myself! and i'm so proud of myself at that moment because there was no fear at all. just me and the rightness of things. at that moment, my core bravery showed itself. with no effort at all. 

international tv sweetheart slash riot biker girl. "be the trouble that you want to see in the world." pippi longstocking moment! filter that bravery to all the aspects of your life! including oral presentations. JIA YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

today also, my DHL care package from my parents finally came. complete joy and melancholy longing. i am surrounded by the comfort (and confidence!) of my own things and the love of my parents. thank you, i miss you, i love you.

clear shampoo, the smell of love. perfect timing, i say.

/// ihre apfelstrudel

yesterday i was on international cable tv. i love it! you can watch it here: http://www.dw-world.de/dw/article/0,2144,3736975,00.html

apple pie. <3

/// sorrow and joy

The dreariness of Sweden's winters compared to its south European neighbours was documented as long ago as the 6th century. Roman chronicler Jordanes described the inhabitants of northern Sweden and Norway in his text Getica, written in Constantinople in AD 551.

According to Jordanes, the inhabitants of the region "are said to have continual light in midsummer for forty days and nights, and who likewise have no clear light in the winter season... By reason of this alteration of sorrow and joy, they are like no other race in their sufferings and blessings."

http://www.thelocal.se/15206/20081024/

/// der Arzt / Läkarn

Anja and Philipp's moving-in fiesta. Sitting on the floor getting a hypochondria attack when Anja's friend from medschool and I were playing a game with Anja's medical anatomy flashcards. She said that I shouldn't worry because there can only be two things:

A. You will learn about it early on and then something can be done.
B. It's too late and then you die.

I knew somehow that somewhere between those lines, I could begin to understand the inner workings of his mind and his heart. He will become the best doctor someday.

And I wonder if there is a middle ground on those two things.

For that second I understood it: don't worry, don't waste your time being scared. Would you rather die in the end with all your time spent on this life worrying, or just... enjoy and live! But just for that second. Why do I always find it hard to believe in this statement that countless people have already told me? I think because I have a problem with the dying part. Anyway, the message: Your body works, you have good cells that will fight the bad cells!!! You are healthy, sharks in your bloodstream that will eat away the bad cells, like the cancer patients who survive because of that sharkthought. And this courage should filter out to all aspects of your life as well. "Your core bravery filtering out to EVERYTHING!"

On being detached emotionally as a doctor: "Do your best, hope for the best and then cut it off!"

I have this on-off relationship with fear, and I hope I can just be brave all the time.

I always keep meeting doctors and would-be doctors in my life. Maybe they are trying to tell me something.

/// !!!

I was eating lunch at the Mensa Italia today, looking out the window to the blue skies of this wonderful day, listening to Belle and Sebastian and I realized:

FROM THIS MOMENT ON, ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN.

<3 <3 <3

///first days

///song by the legends' new single "seconds away". the fuzzy melodies and noise capture what i feel. it has been cold, grey days of rain and homeworks, irrational fears of school and lonely nights of biking home after humdrum parties.. but there has also been:

bursts of sunshine in glorious autumn mornings
the kindness of strangers
new friends
an IKEA trip and a train ride to kassel
swedish meatballs
claudia and our shared love for kötbullars and ice cream
mensa lunch with anja, who's back, and philipp: the two people who can make me laugh so much just by "i kill you!" and "you're so great!"
and being the coolest girl even on this side of the planet. hahaha///

/// i love you sweden. truly.

we went to ikea today! i was so happy! i am so happy! hindi ko alam, iba talaga eh. claudia, emilie, christine, gillian and i took the train to kassel and had "eine heiße Kakaogetränk bitte" (hot chocolate haha) at burger king while waiting for the bus. everyone was laughing at me when i got so excited and started squealing when emilie pointed out the big blue and yellow building. aaaaaaah! :)

we ate lunch at the restaurant, kötbullar of course! hindi mo alam kung kailan ka makakarating sa restaurant diba, one moment you're looking at room organizers, the next you're there! what a nice surprise! anyway, the meatballs and the restaurant just brings back so many good memories, singapore, stockholm. grabe talaga ibang klaseng saya. emilie gave me her swedish flag.

i got the stockholm stadt pillow i wanted to get when i went to the ikea in stockholm, a red pillow, a heart-printed pillowcase, a heart rug, a purple and black computer chair (the last piece for 19 euros only!), a pink striped bathroom rug, a pink peeler, pink dishwashing brushes, striped blue dish dryers, red rubber gloves, purple bedroom slippers, the blue and red geometric bedsheet i also wanted to get in sthlm, and bjorn the teddy bear. and oh oh oh i was so happy to see the food section! i got kötbullar, gradsås, marabou (i miss musse and medborgarplatsen), ikea chocolate, kex, billar candies, ballerina cookies, estrella dill flavored chips and... kannel gifflars! i was just overwhelmed in seeing pagen kannel gifflars! they remind me so much of june july, sweden and copenhagen, let your dreams come true, summer. summer forever. the most happiest time of my life!

claudia said she has never met anyone who is this happy to go to ikea. we were lying on a white fluffy bed, in the middle of all the shoppers in the pillow section, waiting for gillian to get her curtains. i said, it must be so weird for you. and she said, no it's really nice to see someone so happy. 

/// bunter abend

///i was in a party/society page. hahaha! nice! sabi ni jars, "tumi-tim yap si angelf!"///

/// greta's party + stadthalle party

/// the loneliest place on earth is the crowded dancefloor. thousands of people and no single one you can connect to. and always that memory of me and you that didn't happen, dancing to bizzare love triangle.  and realizing that the best parties i have been to are just quiet nights with my best friends. it's really the people who you are with. i miss you kitsie, bituin, diana, chappy, biyo, justin, bg, kai, sheryl, jihan, michelle, cai, joey, clars, kathy, selena, kim, johan. WISH YOU WERE HERE. ///

/// ignorant moderator

upis highschool, science room, i slapped your face because you left me and for everything that you've done, but everyone was so calm and my classmate said you're going to tell me something and that i will like it. you were sitting in front of the classroom beside a boy that i thought you loved and left me for and then suddenly, the story fell into place. everything fell into place. i understood that what happened needed to happen because it will save ALL our lives. there was a conspiracy and we had to make it look like that you loved him and not me and that i saved everyone.

you handed me a note and waited for my reaction:

we are 

IGNORANT

and you are the

MODERATOR

an overwhelming sense of relief and true love like that morning of april 20, my hands shaking, cold sweat and thundering heartbeat, miracles do happen. you love me. i hugged you and we were trembling in joy in that embrace and i wish that moment would last forever.

why are you always in my dreams?

/// simone's birthday

///simone's birthday.

hello you. haciendas and radicals and separatists and knowing so much about where i come from. are you impressed? i am actually. the strokes, laughing. nothing, just you enjoying the music.

kreuzbergring.///

/// fraternity pictures

/// christine, florian, cristian and angel. 

simone's birthday, kreuzbergring. ///

/// ADOBONG MANAK!!!

I made adobong manok today for Christine and I! For the first time! And cooked rice! For the first time too! Haha It was a success!!! Ang saya sayaaaaa! (To the tone of ang sarap saraaaaap!)

And in case you're wondering, this is Travis Kraft:

/// autumn comes with these slight surprises

Today was a pretty day
No disappointments
No expectations on your whereabouts
AND OH, DID I LET YOU GO?
Did it finally show that strange things will happen if you let
them?

Today I didn't even try to hide
I'll stay here and never push things to the side
You can't reach me cause I'm way beyond you today

Today was a pretty day
Autumn comes with
These slight surprises where your life might twist and turn
Hope to unlearn
Strange things will happen
If you let them come around and stick around

Today I didn't even try to hide
I'll stay here and never push things to the side
Today I didn't even look to find
Something to put me in that peace of mind
You can't touch me cause I'm way beyond you today

/// STRANGE THINGS WILL HAPPEN, THE RADIO DEPT.

Things to look forward to:

+ Adobong Manak with Christine tomorrow

+ Greta's party on Thursday

+ my new grey tights from H+M

+ the feeling of days like these happening again

+ the feeling that a new love is coming

+ Sweden

+ IKEA ON SATURDAY with CHRISTINE AND GILLIAN! FAAAAAAAN!!! :) :) :)

/// we will always be in love

Such a glorious, beautiful day today. And it's still not over!

I'm wearing my new EF shirt, I talked with mom on Skype, went to my first class with the dean of Theology who turned out to be very, very nice. 

We just spent the whole session introducing ourselves and just hearing him ask questions about ourselves, and his story about growing up in post-war Germany in this really easy-going and relaxed manner made me so at ease. I don't know... Insecurities, doubts and bad feelings were just suddenly gone. And hearing the big guy in class who sounds really smart say that he thinks he feels that he wouldn't do well in this programme (what) and the dean saying that that is a really important feeling, encouraged me. Yes, this fear and anxieties are important feelings, and they are there so I will learn more about myself.

He asked all of us why we are there and I said that I wanted to develop myself. He burst in joyful laughter when I told him my name, and said "Ahhh, that explains your name" with a smile when I said I came from the Philippines. And "Half of his heart is American" made me think about my own heart and Sweden and how must it look like. And "Don't be afraid. It must ENCOURAGE YOU."

My classmates and I ate at the central Mensa, I sat next to Christine and she told me she has been listening to Stars because I reminded her of it. I told her about my Muenster and EF and Sigur Ros. The sun was so incredibly beautiful. I biked home with Stars' Set Yourself On Fire.

I'm wearing my EF shirt, the sun's out and I will take pictures outside and go grocery shopping with Christine. Tschussssss!

/// münster

/// tomorrow, my friend...

I went to see EF in Münster last Saturday. I just followed my heart, jumped on a train (four actually) to Elze, Löhne, got off the wrong stop at Heessen, Hamm and finally, Münster. I needed music, something that I can always feel at home to. It will never be explained in words, why I follow music. I just need to. Like he said, it turns knobs in my head, and makes me cry.

And it did!

EF was amazing. Splendid. Soaring to great heights! I've never seen anything like their set before. I've listened to them and loved them but hearing them live is a totally different experience. All those thoughts running around my head... I was standing before the bassist who I've never seen before (not even in pictures, I don't know why). When he walked in the stage, I fell in love immediately. During the whole set, I was his, totally, completely. And I felt really sad, listening to them, watching him - I want to be in love, to be loved, but what do I have to give? To this boy, real, standing in front of me.

I've got nothing but fears, preoccupations with myself. I just can't think of anything at that moment, to give.

I felt so far from myself. So strange to have those thoughts.

And when all of them were screaming in the middle of the set (at "Bear" I think), I cried. I couldn't help it, it was so beautiful. Him and his quiet way of moving and suddenly all this screaming and he can feel all of THIS!

Soaring heights, and how everything must be felt, of only every feeling was this raw and powerful and glorious and beautiful and real.

White strobe lights, cut, cut, cut, leaning, falling down, eyes to the sky.

And the encore was, surprise, "Tomorrow, my friend..."

After the set, I got to talk with Niklas who is the sweetest, nicest guy ever. A sore throat, posters, black markers, Gothenburg, Lulea, stick around, Beck's, coat, leaving already and the best hug ever. It was so nice to see you. Walk safe. Maybe we'll see each other in Sweden.

/// bahala na si batman

AAAAAHHHHHH!!!

we had eight-hour days for this whole week, ending in a catastrophic essay test this afternoon that left me wanting to cry when i walked out the classroom door. i messed it up! i lost track of time, i couldn't think of anything relevant to say, and by the time i knew it it was just 20 minutes to go and i am still halfway across my "point". ahhh, just noooothing! i am usually good with exams and essays but this time it was just. ahhhhhh! i feel so stupid.

before the test, i said "bahala na si batman!" mikael and rahul only heard "batman" and i told them that it was "WHATEVER, BATMAN." or batman save me. hahaha bahala na si jordan, bakit ba jordan yun?!

christine and i walked towards the city center with the others to get a cup of hot choco (or beer) and we talked about it again. why are we here?

but i talked to daria and she said i should just take it easy. papers, presentations, all these wouldn't really matter that much in the end, i really shouldn't take it personally. and it wouldn't be like that for the rest of the semester. and it's really nothing compared to what will be my great european experience!!! remember, you have a reason for being here. i may not know it yet but it will be kick ass! IT WILL BE KICK ASS!!!

so tomorrow, my friend (pun intended)... i will go to münster to see EF!!! my id card will get me in for free for all the slow trains in lower saxony, but i really don't know if it IS in lower saxony. i have to switch to 3 different trains, pero bahala na si batman. hahaha ef! pasty white swedish boys playing incredibly good lamiglungkot music. MMMMMM! and a different city!!! or town. or village.

IT WILL BE KICK ASS!

/// second day

lunch time. "are you coming?"

christine and i walked from the mensa am turm to the id card stations to the coffee shop. grey coats, yellow leaves, fall, away away from them. she looks up to grey skies, sighs, buttons up her coat.

we got coffee and tea, an apple too. sat down on one of the chairs by the bar. we talked about cities, how big and small they are, manila, hamburg. being an only child, having siblings. her stolen bike. travelling alone, couchsurfing, scandinavia. how she went to denmark as a child and not remembering anything but remembering that she loves it there. the radio department (the first person in germany who knows them!) in a compilation cd. and our common insecurities about the class and speaking in front of an audience.

just knowing that someone feels the same way as you makes everything a lot better.

i looked around the coffeeshop and sighed.

/// nothing can stop you

6:40:53 PM Chappy: i'm sure they have expectations for you pero that's why you're in masters
6:41:08 PM Angela: bakit?
6:41:25 PM Chappy: para ma-master
6:41:31 PM Angela: hahaha nice
6:41:37 PM Angela: i'll keep that in mind
6:41:40 PM Angela: naisip ko kasi
6:41:48 PM Chappy: yun sabi ng dad ko e
6:41:52 PM Angela: lagi akong cinoconfront ng mga bagay na kailangan ko iface talaga
like my fear of speaking in public
parang binibigay sakin yun, para maovercome ko
6:42:06 PM Chappy: exactly!
6:42:10 PM Angela: parang kailangan ko gawin yun
6:42:12 PM Angela: to become someone better
6:42:20 PM Chappy: that's why you're there. there's a purpose naman eh
6:42:35 PM Angela: aww chappy
6:42:40 PM Angela: you think so?
6:42:47 PM Chappy: of course!
6:42:50 PM Chappy: why not?
6:42:59 PM Angela: kailangan ko ng more confidence in myself i think
6:43:04 PM Angela: kasi ang hirap na magisa ako dito
6:43:04 PM Chappy: di ba, you got in the program because you're capable
6:43:16 PM Angela: yes!
6:43:25 PM Angela: hindi naman nila tatanggapin kung di ko kaya diba?
6:43:43 PM Chappy: yun lang
6:43:46 PM Chappy: challenge rin for you
6:43:58 PM Chappy: growing pains yan
6:44:10 PM Angela: oo. kasi wala na si kitsie, si jihan, si kim na laging nagchcheer sakin when i confront my fears
6:44:12 PM Angela: ngayon ako nalang
6:44:17 PM Angela: growing pains nga!!
6:45:01 PM Chappy: yup. it's hard, but it's something that's also necessary.
6:45:33 PM Angela: yes.
6:46:09 PM Chappy: what's important is you know that you're there for a reason, and if you know that in your heart, nothing can stop you

/// inní mér syngur vitleysingur

biking on the way to my first day of classes, i was listening to this song and smiling. zig zagging across the cold 8:45 morning. it is a new day. 

it could be joy.

i woke up when bryan was about to go to sleep. we are the dream police. we keep watch of one another. many miles from where i'm sleeping.

we are 21, half germans, half others. haha it was a long day of sitting in classrooms, a uni tour, waiting in the mensa, waiting in the coffee shop, dinner at an african restaurant and it is going to be busy and tight - our schedule comprises of complicated lectures and evening classes jammed tight in a three-month semester. challenging! challenging! 

i made friends with mikael, the only swede in our class. (!) we got along really well, also with alex (brazil), rahul (india), teresa (germany). we are, like, the cool crowd. listening to swedish music, standing outside the coffee shop. hahaha loser! triangle! unicorn! moose! 

he's really funny, making fun of the danes and pretending to speak icelandic by adding uhrrrs to everything that he says. we walked back together and it was so nice to talk with someone who understands (of course) my strange love for sweden and to be able to talk about midsummer and potatoes and systembolaget. he said, well you have to be away from something to realize what its real worth is, or something like that. like maybe i will feel that way about manila someday. he said it's so hard to explain why he likes sweden: home is home. i asked him, do you love sweden? he said yes and i said I AM SO HAPPY TO HEAR THAT! hahaha 

"i will make you into the closest swede that you can be!"

we waved goodbye to each other at kreuzbergring, me going to the right, he to the left.

puss puss kram kram! i said.

puss-uhrrr kram-uhrrr! he said.

i biked home, grey, foggy night, 9:45pm listening to this song, smiling.

it could be joy.  

/// keeping watch

MANY MILES FROM WHERE I'M SLEEPING
YOU SHARE LAUGHTER IN THE EVENING
AS DO I
IN THE GREAT DIVINE
YOURS IS MINE
WE'LL FIND LOVE THE KIND WE'RE DREAMING OF.

///pulling our weight. the radio department.

/// fears

 

Stu from London said that he could never do what I am doing. Throwing myself to a country thousands of miles away from home with absolutely no knowledge of German. I shrugged and said, "Live life." It's so easy to say it, but I always feel so afraid and alone all the time, and unsure of what I'm doing. 

I've dreamt of Musse and Sad Day for two days in a row. I wonder how he is. I saw the film trailer of Låt den rätte komma in.  Oh boy I wish I didn't click on that link. Now I'm so scared going home alone with my bike, passing through those old houses, and grey foggy streets. I always think there's a vampire child waiting for me at the corner turn...

I've been scaring my flatmate Sebastian and Anja with stories of Philippine mythology and how I know people who have seen them firsthand. They were incredibly silent while listening to my descriptions of the manananggal and the tikbalang. I kept going on and on and I noticed Anja was just frozen on her seat, her eyes big with fear. "I don't want to go to the Philippines anymore!!!" Haha Anyway, I should learn to be more senstive. These people have known different kinds of fear or guilt, but our own raw, worldly monsters would have been really something else for them. 

I saw his picture today and just like that, I felt so lonely again.

I am tougher than I think I am. I mean come on, I've been scared to death as a child by aswangs. I've survived a taxi police car chase, sitting on the back seat. I've almost been run over thrice (four times?) in three months. I've played tug of war with a street thief in Barcelona and won. I flew to Sweden alone, have gotten through heartbreak, and still in love. Of course I can do this.

I just wish it wasn't so lonely. I just wish you are here. 

///after a long day of shooting

gänseliesel

last night, jt keller

guitar hero i won!

reptilia / the strokes

dancing to backstreet boys

and being lost in the crowd

the loneliest thing ever

people, dancing

but all i can think about is you

and 80s music, final say and bizzare love triangle

you and me in debaser, making out

i wish my friends were here

we could make the sucky music the time of our lives

doner kebab

you're so great angel

slept 6am 

woke up 2pm

chai tea at esprit with anja and stu

walk along the wall

third wheel galore

pumpkin soup dinner

"inuman tayo pare!"

"kampay!"

philip

washing dishes

"the plates live here" says philip

white chocolate melting, a spoon

soy cream tasting

thanners at 9pm

DWTV time!

superstar time!

couchsurfers plus others

rene thomas philip lisa anja christian shannon helena + 3 turkish + 20 chinese

telling them about the umlaut as the smiley in text messages

doner kebab again

fifth wheel

"angel pulled" said stu, but what does it mean?

gossip gossip

"is it true those two kissed?" hahaha!

my ganseliesel spiel, so we have to kiss you!

kiss number one! kiss number two!

guten nacht.

auf wiedersehen! 

last night i felt your heartbeat / and it felt like coming home

wow. i dreamt of you last night, finally, after so many empty nights. it was beautiful, it was a big relief to see you again.

you still loved me but you were hiding and didn't want to show it. you were living in my brother's house in manila, on the next street from where i lived. in your room, there was a stack of polaroids around two inches high with just the same picture of my best friend, me and you. it felt like a great big hug seeing those pictures. i was right all along! i never lost faith in you. while i was walking around the room, a voice was speaking to me in my head: he still loves you, angel.

i felt it, right to my core. it felt so good waking up. everything is going to be alright.

i think i willed you in my dreams. just before i went to sleep i was talking to you in my head, just saying good night and reassuring you of your dreams and that you can become whoever you want to be. that you shouldn't worry. i don't know why i said that, but it felt so right and comforting and i drifted to sleep soon, and to you...

dreams are real because they exist.


Stockholm, July 2008.