/// fears

 

Stu from London said that he could never do what I am doing. Throwing myself to a country thousands of miles away from home with absolutely no knowledge of German. I shrugged and said, "Live life." It's so easy to say it, but I always feel so afraid and alone all the time, and unsure of what I'm doing. 

I've dreamt of Musse and Sad Day for two days in a row. I wonder how he is. I saw the film trailer of Låt den rätte komma in.  Oh boy I wish I didn't click on that link. Now I'm so scared going home alone with my bike, passing through those old houses, and grey foggy streets. I always think there's a vampire child waiting for me at the corner turn...

I've been scaring my flatmate Sebastian and Anja with stories of Philippine mythology and how I know people who have seen them firsthand. They were incredibly silent while listening to my descriptions of the manananggal and the tikbalang. I kept going on and on and I noticed Anja was just frozen on her seat, her eyes big with fear. "I don't want to go to the Philippines anymore!!!" Haha Anyway, I should learn to be more senstive. These people have known different kinds of fear or guilt, but our own raw, worldly monsters would have been really something else for them. 

I saw his picture today and just like that, I felt so lonely again.

I am tougher than I think I am. I mean come on, I've been scared to death as a child by aswangs. I've survived a taxi police car chase, sitting on the back seat. I've almost been run over thrice (four times?) in three months. I've played tug of war with a street thief in Barcelona and won. I flew to Sweden alone, have gotten through heartbreak, and still in love. Of course I can do this.

I just wish it wasn't so lonely. I just wish you are here.